El Camino...

Just Kidding?

2007-10-29T08:10:00.000-07:00

OK Friends. So maybe I was just kidding... not kidding in like a "I knew this was going to happen sort of way" but more so... I needed to take some time to figure out how to revamp my blog so it felt more like me, where I'm at today.

That said:

http://easterncaramella.blogspot.com

I'm not sure I really like the template yet, but I will get it there yet. Oh yes, I will. I'm in a new phase of life and perhaps this NEW BLOG will help me work through all my thoughts; as I share thoughts, pictures, recipes, food inspiration, etc... ENJOY!

The Time Has Come.

2007-10-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

To say good bye to blogging.

'Tis true my friends. This lovely blog has taken me to some crazy places... Colombia was the reason I started this thing, and though Colombia still plays a huge role in my life, the time has come to be a little more present and to process my thoughts in a different setting.

I am on facebook and email if anyone wants to keep up with me. Add me as a friend, drop me a line, let me know how you are doing. Pero, eso es el fin de este blog. (But this is the end of this blog).

Much love, and remember... Mean people make little mean people, so be nice! :)

When Troubles Come, and My Heart Burdened Be...

2007-10-21T08:07:00.001-07:00

This weekend has been one of great clarity and much prayer/talking to God. Once more, I feel like I had allowed my eyes to fall off of Jesus. Have you ever entered a time of stress or discontentment that builds and builds and builds? Because I feel like that is what I am finally coming out of. I didn't talk about my stress, didn't talk about my heart (realistically)... and it built up to something so much bigger than the real problem inside of my heart.

This week I finally told Tim that I needed a break. I needed to get away. So "away" we went. We stayed at a local Saskatoon hotel, checking in Friday night and getting a late Saturday afternoon checkout. Seriously, it was such a beautiful time... but let me back up to the beginning of my enlightenment...

Friday morning I had a LOT to do to prepare and get ready for this weekend. So, you can only imagine how impressed I was when my beautiful, beautiful Jeep betrayed me by not starting. While calling a tow truck, a shop and Tim (in tears that time) I cried a lot... angered I expressed my frustation to Jesus - "why Lord... I have so much to do, etc... etc..."As the day went on, and I got the initial situation taken care of, it turned out to be quite the blessing, because then I could work from home, think through some things calmly and get them done. (In hindsight, it's not quite the blessing, because I found out at 5PM that the bill is going to be almost $1200. YIKES. Anyway... stay focused.)

So, towards the afternoon, I started really processing through this funk I seem to have been in. I finally put in a worship CD by Selah. I used to listen to this CD and oh man... the songs really impacted me. I haven't listened to it in probably 2 or 3 years. But once more, the words and music absolutely spoke to my heart and led me to Jesus. It was ridiculous good. I've missed worshipping in this fashion... I used to do it all the time; put in a CD, open the Word. Those are some good times.

Two songs lyrics I was impacted by:

You Raise Me Up: "When I am down, and oh my soul so weary... when troubles come, and my heart burdened be. Then I am still, and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up so I can stand on mountains, you raise me up to walk on stormy seas... I am strong when I am on your shoulders, you raise me up to more than I can be..."

Part the Waters/I Need Thee Every Hour"When I am think I'm going under, part the waters Lord, when I feel the waves around me calm the sea. When I cry for help oh hear me Lord and hold out your hand. Touch my life, still the raging storm in me. I need thee every hour, most Gracious Lord... I need thee oh I need thee... every hour I need thee, oh bless me now my Saviour, I come to thee... I need thee every hour, in joy or pain, come quickly and abide or life is vain... I need thee oh I need thee... every hour I need thee. Oh, bless me now my Saviour, I come to thee."

So. What is the moral of this story? The moral of this story is that I was reminded once more this weekend to constantly be placing my eyes on Jesus. It doesn't matter what personal stress, frustration, confusion we have... we gotta take it to him. I think I made a grave error in speaking with humans about my heart status in this last week. As I've prayed throughout this weekend, that fact has been very clear to me. I confused my need to vent with God's desires for me. Yes, I think He is fine with us letting off a little steam every now and again... but I also think He desires us to have those conversations with HIM. And, I feel like by taking it to Him, it's not this mountain in front of me that it has felt like... it is simply life. But with Him, life isn't so difficult.

Another moral of this story is that I had a PHENOMENAL weekend (so far... it's Sunday morning). Getting "away" was the perfect, perfect, perfectest idea ever. We went swimming, ate really good food, watched as much of the Food Network as our check out time allowed and talked. Tim = good man for putting up with me this last week(s)...

PS: I had this Applewood Chicken at the hotel... it's a stuffed chicken breast with Applewood Smoked Bacon and mozzarella, served with whipped garlic potatoes and fresh grilled vegetables. RIDICULOUS good.

PSS: I would LOVE to be putting up pictures here folks... but I need a digital camera - so, if any of you are talking to my parents anytime soon - let them in on that idea as a Christmas gift, OK :) Haha...

When Troubles Come, and My Heart Burdened Be...

2007-10-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been one of great clarity and much prayer/talking to God. Once more, I feel like I had allowed my eyes to fall off of Jesus. Have you ever entered a time of stress or discontentment that builds and builds and builds? Because I feel like that is what I am finally coming out of. I didn't talk about my stress, didn't talk about my heart (realistically)... and it built up to something so much bigger than the real problem inside of my heart.

This week I finally told Tim that I needed a break. I needed to get away. So "away" we went. We stayed at a local Saskatoon hotel, checking in Friday night and getting a late Saturday afternoon checkout. Seriously, it was such a beautiful time... but let me back up to the beginning of my enlightenment...

Friday morning I had a LOT to do to prepare and get ready for this weekend. So, you can only imagine how impressed I was when my beautiful, beautiful Jeep betrayed me by not starting. While calling a tow truck, a shop and Tim (in tears that time) I cried a lot... angered I expressed my frustation to Jesus - "why Lord... I have so much to do, etc... etc..."As the day went on, and I got the initial situation taken care of, it turned out to be quite the blessing, because then I could work from home, think through some things calmly and get them done. (In hindsight, it's not quite the blessing, because I found out at 5PM that the bill is going to be almost $1200. YIKES. Anyway... stay focused.)

So, towards the afternoon, I started really processing through this funk I seem to have been in. I finally put in a worship CD by Selah. I used to listen to this CD and oh man... the songs really impacted me. I haven't listened to it in probably 2 or 3 years. But once more, the words and music absolutely spoke to my heart and led me to Jesus. It was ridiculous good. I've missed worshipping in this fashion... I used to do it all the time; put in a CD, open the Word. Those are some good times.

Two songs lyrics I was impacted by:

You Raise Me Up: "When I am down, and oh my sould so weary... when troubles come, and my when my heart burdened be. Then I am still, wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up so I can s tand on mountains, you raise me up to walk on stormy seas... I am strong when I am on your shoulders, you raise me up to more than I can be..."

"When I am think I'm going under, part the waters Lord, when I feel the waves around me calm the sea. When I cry for help oh hear me Lord and hold out your hand. Touch my life, still the raging storm in me. I need thee every hour, most Gracious Lord... I need thee oh I need thee... every hour I need thee, oh bless me now my Saviour, I come to thee... I need thee every hour, in joy or pain, come quickly and abide or life is vain... I need thee oh I need thee... every hour I need thee. Oh, bless me now my Saviour, I come to thee."

So. What is the moral of this story? The moral of this story is that I was reminded once more this weekend to constantly be placing my eyes on Jesus. It doesn't matter what personal stress, frustration, confusion we have... we gotta take it to him. I think I made a grave error in speaking with humans about my heart status in this last week. As I've prayed throughout this weekend, that fact has been very clear to me. I confused my need to vent with God's desires for me. Yes, I think He is fine with us letting off a little steam every now and again... but I also think He desires us to have those conversations with HIM. And, I feel like by taking it to Him, it's not this mountain in front of me that it has felt like... it is simply life. But with Him, life isn't so difficult.

Another moral of this story is that I had a PHENOMENAL weekend (so far... it's Sunday morning). Getting "away" was the perfect, perfect, perfectest idea ever. We went swimming, ate really good food, watched as much of the Food Network as our check out time allowed and talked. Tim = good man for putting up with me this last week(s)...

PS: I had this Applewood Chicken at the hotel... it's a stuffed chicken breast with Applewood Smoked Bacon and mozzarella, served with whipped garlic potatoes and fresh grilled vegetables. RIDICULOUS good.

PSS: I would LOVE to be putting up pictures here folks... but I need a digital camera - so, if any of you are talking to my parents anytime soon - let them in on that idea as a Christmas gift, OK :) Haha...

Re: Dear Mr. President

2007-10-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

Okey Dokey. Listening to the radio on the way to work this morning and P!nk's new song, "Dear Mr. President" was on. Read the lyrics (as best typed while listening to the song):

'Dear Mr. President, come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and you're not better than me...
I'd like to ask you some questions, if we can speak honestly.
What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

CHORUS:
How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?
And tell me why...?

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
How can you say no child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells...
While you pave the road to hell.
What kind of father would take his own daughters rights away?
What kind of father would hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say...
You've come a long way... from whiskey and cocaine.

Repeat Chorus

Let me tell you about hard work, minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you about hard work, building a house when the bombs have gone away
Let me tell you about hard work, building a bed out of a cardboard box...
You don't know nothing bout hard work, hard work, hard work...

How do you sleep at night... How do you walk with your head held high...

Dear Mr. President, would you ever talk a walk with me...?'

What are your thoughts? I'm interested to know other people's reactions/thoughts. Comment away.

Youth Advance

2007-10-03T07:52:00.000-07:00

Prince Edward Island

2007-09-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

Why am I going...? This is a question many of you have asked of late.

And now, even though I have not received my formal acceptance, I will tell you all.

In a nutshell... because I love:

...Cooking....

.... and Cutting....

... and really, really, really good food!!!...

.... and because someday I want to be one of these people....

.... and I will do all of this at Holland College (Culinary Institute of Canada)...

HOW EXCITING!

Like I said, my acceptance isn't final - but my old file (in which I was accepted) has been reopened. Pray with us as we enjoy this final year in Saskatchewan before heading out to the East Coast! It's so exciting to think of this adventure ahead of us... and sometimes scary too as I think of the magnitude of what it is we've decided on. Crazy to think this dream of mine is becomign a reality & that I get to do it with my best friend standing with me in support...

GOOD TIMES!

Popcorn

2007-09-20T07:29:00.001-07:00

I love it.

For the wedding, someone got us a set of bowls that are all a different colour with "popcorn" written on them. Someone else got us a popcorn maker (three people actually), and another person got us a BUNCH of popcorn & flavourings. I don't know why, because we didn't register for any of it.... BUT - I am SO glad.

Lately, late at night when I'm sitting with the hubs on the couch, we pop up a nice big bowl of popcorn. It's a time of great simplicity and is just so comfortable. I've decided that popcorn is the best comfort/warm food of all.

It's a simple delicacy that life offers - to sit in silence with one you love, life does not get any better than that.

I was reminded the other day, yesterday actually, that GOD's love, enjoyment, joy, heart, etc... is even greater than our love, enjoyment, joy or heart for/in our fellow humans. As much as I love anyone I love... HE LOVES ME MORE.

Someday, I am very excited to enjoy some popcorn with EL SENOR!

Amigos - no se si todavia ustedes leen mi blog, pero espero que en Colombia todo esta bien! Estoy hablando en este 'post' sobre el amor de Dios por nosotros, que su amor y amistad y gozo es mas fuerte por nosotros que qualquier amor tenemos por nuestros amigos, amores, etc... Mijuqueros - tenemos que recordar las cosas que aprendiabamos en la montana en Velez - tenemos que vivir solo por DIOS! "Por mucho tiempo busque... una razon para vivir..." La razon es Dios, y solo Dios. Pensamos en cielo - un dia, vamos a quedarnos en los pies de Dios... y que dia!!!! Les quieren muchisimo! Por siempre, tuyo... Negrita!

PS: I always check my Spanish with Free Translation to make sure I'm not butchering it... and sometimes it is REALLY funny how the computer translates.... for example - Negrita is a nickname I got in Colombia from my friend Leidy about how my skin is so white... when really it means dark girl(Her nickname was Monita... white girl). In the translation, it translates that to be "BOLDFACE!" I thought it was funny and chuckled to myself... sigh, is that even funny for anyone else???! Haha...

High Fives

2007-09-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

5 Things that you cannot live without for under $10/each:

Flip Flops
Pepsi
Tea Lights
Colombian Earrings
Hair Ties

5 of your favorite movies:
Hope Floats
The Holiday
Little Miss Sunshine
The Little Mermaid
I love all movies... so enter #5 here.

5 +5 = 10 baby names that you love (5 for a girl, and 5 for a boy!) but will not use in the future (maybe you'll give others good ideas!):
BOYS: Simon, Liam, Benjamin, Vladamir (Tim's suggestion), Boris (mine)
GIRLS: Emma, Emmie, Janie, Ruth, Mae

5 songs you could listen to over & over & over:
Amazed - Desperation Band
If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens
Any Song - Rosie Thomas
Hallelujah - Bethany Dillon
Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston (even though I heard he was brutal at the Beyonce concert)

5 people who have influenced your life in a positive way:
Joan Godard
Sherry Heidebrecht
Dana Fern Barrand, Amy Dawn Forrest, Bettina May Unrau (they're all one - inseperable)
Jackie Pullinger - never met her but she's ridiculous... read the book "Chasing the Dragon"
Oswald Chambers - again, never met the man, but seriously!
Timothy Baerwald (that's six, but it's my blog... soooo yep!)

5 items that stay in your purse all the time:
Debit card
Visa
Driver's License
Movie Card
Stamps
(I currently do not carry a purse - just a very thin wallet)

5 moments when you knew everything had changed FOREVER:
When my dad had to carry me into the house... and as a result:
When I was in my room, packing for Qatar - that was weird!
When Tim & I played hangman in Boston Pizza
When I fought with the 'rents about going to Colombia
When I decided to move across the country... we'll see how this one goes :)

5 books you really would like to read (or finish - if you're in the middle of one!):
Bring me a book, I would like to read it.

5 obsessions you have right now:
MTV (that's not a 'right now' thing... more of a 'always' thing)
Tim
Pepsi (again... an always thing)
Ummm... I just don't know anything else...

So guys... I know it's a bit boring, but I wanted to update with something, so here you have it. I promise someday soon I will put something of any sort of interest on here. Much love to all.... EB

Post Number 1.3.9

2007-09-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

1. I need to post - not too sure what to say.

2. I would like to post wedding photos & I would also like to say that I WILL send out wedding thank-you's. My parents and I are going around about this: OPINION POLL: what is an APPROPRIATE length of time to give newlywed's for sending out thank you's?

3. We haven't gotten our mail here in a couple days... now, I know it was just the weekend - but there was nothing on Friday, and there was nothing today. As someone who LOVES getting mail - this is traumatizing.

4. I recognize that I have said nothing interesting, and have nothing interesting in my head to say... and that I am watching the OC which does not input anything of substance either.

5. I'm in a happy, contented place tonight. I'm waiting for the hubs to get home from work (which he is LOVING by the way!!!)... realizing that we are LOVING life right now. I love that my husband comes home to me every night and that we have a home to set up and continue to develop together. We're really hopeful for the future, and for what that is bringing with it - life is going to be changing in this next year and the world is our playground.... to the P.E.I we go...

6. Just a fun, non-substancy type blog. Feel free to leave a comment - where you all at, what is life bringing your way....?!

A little adventure...

2007-08-28T09:51:00.000-07:00

Headed off to Waskesiu this weekend for a little camping-ski.... wish we had a camera to document the adventures... but alas, it seems Tim & I are destined to never have photos of us together. I think from our ENTIRE dating career, we managed to have 4 or 5 candid photos (that is over a 3 year period people!!!). Anyway... you'll have to listent to me ramble - sorry?

Sunday saw us pack up the Jeep; camp had ended on Friday and we needed to get away. So to Waskesiu we went. Now anyone who knows Waskesiu knows it is GORGEOUS.... and this adventure was no different. Spot P2 is very nice in the Beaver Glen campsite if you need a good one...

Started off the time there by attempting to make friends with the squirrel that hung around our campsite. Tim was NOT impressed to hear that in my attempt to be friends I may or may not have fed it pie. I'm not sure if it was because of the pie factor or the rodent factor that set him off. Needless to say - I got in trouble.

Set up the tent (new - got it for the wedding. Must say, it was HUGE... very nice), made some dinner, hung out a while... time for bed. OK people - air bed in a cold, almost autumn setting = very, very bad idea. I have never been so cold while trying to sleep ever.

Woke up Monday and things are OK... make food, explore the town (with a bazillion ELK chilling out in the main part - weird...) go on a hike... that was nice... time for bed. Starts spitting just before we go to bed, and then gradually starts a bit heavier. Cue 10 PM. Erica finally speaks up with the beautiful line: "Wanna pack up and go home?" At this point in time, I have been freeeezing all day, am now facing the prospect of freezing all night long, listening to the rain getting louder and lounder on teh tent and am altogether not ready for another bad night of sleep.... so we did it. Packed up (literally rolled up the tent and through it in the jeep... and jetted for home.

Bad news - we were on the tail end of our gas. So we call this Race Trac gas thing and the guy will (from the Tavern) come around and fill us up... get there, power is out. Something is not working. We are 100KM from gas... things are lookin bleak. Amidst a shower of both rain and curses on the part of our new friend... we manage to figure out the problem, gas up and head for home.

Arriving at about 2 in the morning... we are home.

I really do love camping. I do... perhaps this time was not the best example.

Amen Sister... AMEN!

2007-08-17T14:53:00.000-07:00

Bethany Dillon has a song called: "Hallelujah"... and today, I have been inspired... and so as I sit here at my desk trying to figure out which devotionals to put in this neat-OH project I am working on, I am inspired to listen to her singing what my heart is saying... it is a sweet, sweet moment.

Today, Sherry and I met with THE coolest person... such a dynamic man, with such a dynamic, beautiful, life giving ministry... and I feel so full of praise that I might just BURST!!!!

It's weird too, because we were talking about Spiritual Warfare! Ha... weird, I know. I come away from the conversation SO inspired, and SO in love with the God I serve. Jesus has made this way for us that blows my mind everytime. The fact that I work in an environment where I get to walk beside people and attempt to inspire them to live in JOY, HOPE and LOVE = radical dude!

Point people to Jesus. That was the conclusion we came to. Sometimes I feel ashamed of my faith - isn't that weird!? - but I literally sometimes am ashamed that I might be viewed by peers, parents, co-workers (you name it) as simply "emotional" or "too experiential"... but you know what? I have decided that it is OK... and that I will follow and love and hope and be joyful for all that I believe God wants to do in this world, and that has to be enough for me. I leave you with the following lyrics: they are my heart today.

"Hallelujah"
Bethany Dillon

Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

And lastly, a quote from one of the said-devotionals of above. By Joyce Rupp from the book "May I Have this Dance?":

"When we wake up with that "worn out before the day starts" feeling, we can pause to imagine God loving us, holding us tenderly, breathing life into us. As we go through the day, we can pause to be attentive to our normal breathing patterns. This pause can connect us to God, our breath of life."

Las FOTOS!!!

2007-08-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

Okey dokey people... still haven't figured out how to put the pictures on the computer (it's a DVD and my computer here can't read it or something like that...) SO. Our photographer's assistant has put some of the pictures she took on her blog - so, until I can put up the rest, check her out: Mandy's Photography Let me know what you think! And hey, if you're in the area and need a photographer, I would HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend her or our other photographer Debra Marshall. PHENOMENAL!!!

YIKES!

2007-08-09T15:10:00.001-07:00

Hi guys... news in the life and times of the one & only Erica Elizabeth Baerwald:

1) I am EXTREMELY tired today... the sort of tired that is COMPLETELY debilitating. T - 22 minutes until I can go to the casa and SLEEP!

2) PEI - to go or not to go - that is the question in my heart lately.

3) 1 Peter. Read it, let me know any comments/thoughts that pop out to you... I'm loving it lately!

4) YA 2008 - gonna be GOOD times.

5) Wedding pics are in... as soon as I find a computer I can put them on... and upload them from. You'll see em!

6) They're really, really good.

Much love to all - comments always appreciated; how are you all? Are you listening to any really good music that I should know about? What Scripture is running through your noggin'?

Enrique has GOT to go!

2007-07-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

Hi friends.

As much as I know you all love staring at Enrique's rich dark brown eyes every time you enter this blog o' mine... I think it's time we all moved on. I've been having nightmares...

But what to post about? That is the question.

These last 2 weeks in particular have been VERY, VERY difficult ones.

Why you ask?

Well... it seems in life, there are times when life hands you a question and asks how you're gonna handle it.

The first one I've dealt with in the last two weeks (can't really go into details) was having to be part of a very difficult decision that had to be made. A part of my learning/maturing process has been learning to make decisions that won't always help you in the popularity department, but which are best for the greater good. Not even in the popularity department, but that a part of me doesn't like either... ultimately however, you KNOW that it's for the best and so you have to take that leap and hope that others will understand - tough business folks.

The second one was about the passing of a friend. Learning how to grieve... something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

These two occurrences have really caused me to sit back and ponder LIFE and ponder JESUS once again... you see, I feel like I wasn't really living in a super great way over these last couple months - bad attitudes, blatant sin, cynicism, lack of hope... and I feel a bit like the sun has come out again, lighting all the areas of my life where I need to step back towards the Father. The grace with which He always accepts us astounds me. The journey is difficult, long, often filled with confusion. But He's there. All the time - and He is GOOD, all the time.

One of the ways that I have been incredibly blessed in this last month of trailer livin' :) has been in the attitude that my hubs has had towards the whole situation. You see, I don't adjust well... often adjusting for me comes with many tears, a lot of donkey-like behaviour (digging in of heels, hee-hawing... it's ugly), etc. The whole time, my hubs' attitude has been "I have a lot to learn... and we'll get through this..." What patience, what grace, what a man. I am lucky.

Counting my blessings - everyday. That is what I gots to do.

Much much love everyone...

"Better in one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
O Lord Almighty,
BLESSED is the man who trusts in you."
Psalm 84:10-12

Thanks for the inspiration Lisa... you're great!

PS: A few photos for your enjoyment from the pre-wedding stuff:

Me and the Sis!!!! (Thanks for the pics friend!)

Dana & Tim - being their wonderful selves at Tony Roma's... yummmmmm!

It's true people - he got a pedicure for me... what a cutie!

Live Earth

2007-07-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

Live Earth was this past weekend... watched a bit of it with the hubs while moving in (new couch/chair!!!!)... and have to say, that I was INCREDIBLY impressed with the performances of:

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS - Not necessarily for his music, but more for how he REALLY was trying to get the crowd into it - I thought he was fun, relaxed and a good performer.

CORINNE BAILEY RAE - I only caught two of her songs; one a duet and one "Put Your Records On"... and she was WONDERFUL! Really in her element; she looked comfortable, and she has a GREAT voice!

ALICIA KEYS - I used to be really, really annoyed with Ms. Keys... why? I don't know - but her final song "Ain't Got You" won me over. Seriously, she went for it and really gave a great performance of it.

These are three artists that I don't normally connect with/enjoy... although I might need to get Corinne Bailey Rae's album, cuz she was just SO good. But all in all, I enjoyed catching glimpses from around the world.

And you know, I'm sure we could all critique some aspect of the whole event, I really really think the intention, thought and outcoming goals of the weekend might do something to START the ball rolling in a lot of people's lives towards making changes in how we're living out life. Al Gore is doing a good thing here I think. I'm sure lots of us out there can pick the poor guy apart; but I admire that someone out there is doing SOMETHING...

How can I be more a part of it is what I wonder... great challenge through their website - it's a little test to see how much carbon we're contributing annually; check it out at: Live Earth.

Peace friends!

Anger. And why I am angry.

2007-07-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

I just responded to a post on a friend's blog... and am feeling this renewed LOVE in my heart. There is so much anger in this world people. It's everywhere. Why are we all so angry? We are disillusioned, we are without hope... we feel we should be give MORE - we are OWED MORE. Those who aren't contributing are taking away...

Jesus.

How he is so able to change lives... this world needs him... it needs something... we must let the anger go and LOVE one another.

Restorative justice is a funny thing... because it takes you so completely out of yourself and so completely into Jesus.

I've had some really, really great conversations in this last week about faith issues. One was about homosexuality, and the second was kind of about the church and our perception of Scripture...

I keep coming back to Jesus. He would come and he would LOVE... that's all I gotta say.

As for me... I gotta stop being so angry.

Have a beautiful weekend everyone. I'm gonna go and spend some quality hubby time! See you on Monday.

We're ba-ack!!!

2007-07-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

First off... it went off without a hitch! The wedding was phenom... though I gotta say - I feel like a) I hardly saw Tim all day... b) I hardly feel as though I interacted with people. Is this normal? It's almost like I just floated. Floated through the whole thing... and you know, the only time I came back down to earth was as Tim and I stopped at his parents to change before heading to the city... and then it was like, "holy cow... it's perfectly normal that we're leaving together... and that we're going to be fairly together for the next 50 or so years..."

Needless to say: wow... 8 days of being a Baerwald... I'm still a bit in shock that it actually came true. Our theme verses were 1 John 4:7-12 and all I can think is that God really is THE God of LOVE and FAITHFULNESS. That the two are completely irrevocably intertwined blows my mind. I am grateful and WOW'ed by His works!

Anyway: we had a phenomenal honeymoon at the "Windermere Creek Bed & Breakfast" in BC (close to Invermere, which is semi-close (1/2 hour or so) to Radium Hot Springs... seriously people; check it out - SO inexpensive, SO quiet and private, SO gorgeous... unbelievable - we had a log cabin to ourselves (they're milled... not just logs??? I dunno... Tim talked about their construction all week, and I just kind of nodded my "understanding" if you get my drift!! haha) I don't know the address for their website off the top of my head; but just search them and you'll find it... maybe I'll post some pics when we've gotten them developed... GORGEOUS.

AND - our photographer, Debra Marshall, gave us a 'sneak peek' (she knew I would be DYING to see them...) of our photos and here they are for you to see! Hope you like em! The black and white one is phenomenal! The colour one is fun... I had to hold my dress like that any time we would walk or move really. By the end of those photos I was sick-ace sweaty... seriously... you try hiking up the train bridge stairs in a 30 pound (? I don't know the real weight - but I made Tim hold it up and he almost shat himself it's so heavy... that is a poop lot of material in those things!!!)... dress. Unnatural people. Unnatural.

So enough talking: here they are: (more to follow as I get them!!!)

Gettin' Hitched.

2007-06-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

T - 18 hours... ish.

So guys... tomorrow is the big day.

Today there were LOTS of tears - lots of stress, frustration, etc... but some really beautiful moments too... sitting in the empty church after all the decorating was done with the one and only Tim Baerwald makes it ALL worth it.

I am getting married soon. Booyeah

Thanks and the next time you see me I will be Erica Elizabeth Baerwald... not Barewald... but Baerwald. Peace yo.

Svelte vs. Curvaceous

2007-06-14T13:45:00.000-07:00

OK... so this might be a bit of a 'risque' topic to put up here... but, this is a topic that has been coming up more and more in my last couple of weeks.

I have a rather important wedding dress to fit into in just a few short days (9 to be exact... 8 in 1 hour and 14 minutes)... and with this fact comes another, a realization one might say, of all of the faults my body has. I am not thin. Shocking to you? HA. I have a "booty" you might say... and I, probably more than you would assume, am COMPLETELY aware that it is always right there behind me, following me, lurking, waiting to jump out and take a big 'ole bite out of that Big Mac I reallllly want to eat...

Right alongside that suspiciously lurking subject is my brain... the part of me that reassures me I am beautiful, the part of me that tells me to be wise about my food choices, but not obsess. Would I like to lose 30-40 pounds...???? UH - Is Timothy Baerwald incredibly hot??? OF COURSE... but will I obsess over it and worry that I am disgusting? Ugly? Not worthy of someone thinking I AM SEXY? Absolutely NOT.

We as women need to stop worrying about the labels this world would put on us. Why does it make me feel bad when I have to skip the size 8's, 10's... and occasionally the 12's??? I am made this way. My Creator deemed me OK to be graced with a CURVACEOUS figure. I am not a sporty shape, I am not a model shape, I am not any shape other than the one he gave me!

And so. This said: I will rejoice when I eat something with gorgeous flavours that combine to give me a unique and delicious culinary experience, I will eat that burger if I want it, and I will NOT worry that everything I put into my mouth will somehow make me FAT (What an ugly, ugly word anyway!)!!!

I have a most wonderful guy by my side, who loves me as I am (and perhaps moreso because of my 'booty'... :) )... but even if I didn't, and even though I do: I still have a GOD who created me to be this way... who loves me even if I am svelte or curvaceous... who loves you even if you are svelte or curvaceous!

Let us stop focusing on the negative and instead say: this is who I am. I am sexy, I am loved, I am who I am, I am loved, and most importantly: I am HIS BELOVED.

PERIOD ---> Love yourself today, and recognize that you are not alone!

PS: Here are some synonyms (of the word "curvy": for you to chew on: ample, built, busty, curvaceous, full-bosomed, full-figured, healthy, hearty, lusty, plump, robust, shapely, stacked*, voluptuous, well-made, well-proportioned, well-rounded, winsome...

... sweet!

Appleby...

2007-06-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

Okey dokey folks.

So a couple weeks ago (I actually don't remember when; was it just this last Wednesday?)... Tim and I managed to get out to Kid's Club... which was PHENOMENAL for several reasons:

1) I haven't been able to go much, as the only available night for a very long time that we've been able to have 'date night' was Wednesday...

2) Winter kills the outdoor goodness of Appleby...

3) I love these children so much.

We didn't go for very long, but I got in a solid 20 - 30 minutes with the most beautiful children on the face of this planet (well, I know that might be a bit of a broad, overassuming statement... but I figure I'm allowed one or two of those on my blog)...

So last night, Dana showed me the pics that our friend "Francis" emailed her, and I had to have them so I could post to the world the wonderful environment that we live in; and so. In no particular order, here are our children...

Is this guy not THE cutest you've ever seen!??!!?!

This little girl is SO cute & wonderful! Dana also is rather charming as the children flock to her... notice "Morris" - one of our faves! (What am I saying, they are ALL our faves!)

Of course, what would kids club be without our nightly meditation session led by Dana? Hehe...

Rachelle... absolutely phenom with the kids. Dana's new roomie in approximately 19 days, 6 hours and 23 days. Not gonna lie that I've shed a few tears over my loss... but these girls will have heinous fun!

Ah, yes... the source of the photos - "Francis". Here with Dana... are you noticing a theme? It's like I'm obsessed with Dana or something... WHAT?

Rachelle & "Francis"... cue the "Cops" soundtrack now... protectin' our hood...

This face of "Francis'"and mine had my little friend (notice the corner of his head) saying: "HEY! Do that again...!" Grabbing my face and moving in as if he was going to kiss me. Now, I love these children... but I was a bit worried.

Notice the intense look on the little guys face... he is SO funny! I absolutely ADORE this guy!

Lastly, what would a Kids Club night be without a final meditation led by Dana?

Oh man... do I ever need to get out to this more often! I remember to times last summer, when I was hurting pretty bad during a particular rough patch... these kids were Jesus to me. In every way - forgiving, loving, challenging me. It sounds weird to try to explain, but I found myself through the eyes of these kids.

It's interesting to feel and watch myself changing in these last couple months. Knowing how to balance priorities and figure out the way I should divide my time. I know I'm not doing a good enough job of balancing life right now... but I figure I just need to be OK with it. Every person about to get married must (I hope) go through a patch of simply wanting to be with the one they're about to marry. The argument could be said that you're about to spend the rest of your life with them... why now? You know...?

I don't know... the gist of this ramble? I want to spend more time with these children who won my heart so very completely last summer. They are beautiful... they are a very pure and real image of Jesus.

RSVP Date!

2007-06-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone... welp. Today is the day - RSVP day.

How exciting! We've been sooooo excited to hear from all the people that are coming so far, and are so excited for the stragglers to also get their RSVP's in. It's gonna be one FUN wedding, that's all I gotta say!

Can't believe we're at 22 days and counting!

Whoooeeee!

TWO

2007-05-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

Ok... so I need a break from this cookbook which is owning my life right now... so I thought I would post a little something I found on my friend Sheryl's Facebook... that I thought I would put on my blog!

Two Names You Go By:
1. Erica
2. Scams
3. Solerica (OK OK... so I know the game is called "TWO" but, who says it can't be called "THREE" or even "FOUR"????)

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Underwear
2. Straight Hair - but for some reason, it makes my head itchier. I like curly better.

Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship:
1. Many, many laughs...
2. Commitment
3. The ability to be who I really am, and not be judged for it.

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. Cook/think or read about cooking...
2. Spend time with Tim.

Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. To not be working... only 1.5 hours to go!
2. To be sitting on my couch, ensconced in a blanket of some kind... with Tim.

Two pets you had/have:
1. Hoppy - he was a cat. He only had three legs.
2. Taco. The MOST faithful dog you could EVER have... husky/rottweiler cross.

Two things you did last night:
1. Watched "Mozart and the Whale" (meh!)
2. Ate Burger King.

Two things you ate today:
1. A pizza pop.
2. Animal crackers.

Two People you Last Talked To:
1. Dave Pauls
2. Rosemary (about the proper spelling of my soon to be new last name)

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Working.
2. Donating Blood. 1-800-2-DONATE (do it... seriously!)

Two longest car rides:
1. From Ontario to Manitoba in my second year of Bethany on our Drama Tour. Seriously; Gravol put everyone else out like nothing else, but gave me a buzz... what up!?
2. From Manitoba to Hepburn when I worked as a recruiter... I remember one particular trip I have never been so conciously aware of myself being about to fall asleep at the wheel - ridiculous!

Two Favourite Holidays:
1. Any day off, where I get to sleep in.
2. Christmas.

Two Favourite Beverages:
1. Pepsi (duh!)
2. Tea.

Dum dum da dum...

2007-05-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

Topic of this blog:
OK. So here is the question of the hour. What are some good song ideas for a wedding? Tim & I need to pick a song for our friends Amy & Betty to sing during the signing of the registry time... any ideas???? HELP!!!
A picture of Lily Allen singing to inspire you all:

"It makes me smile" when you all suggest songs... :)

Also.

2007-05-22T10:22:00.001-07:00

In response to the last blog titled "7 Things You Might Not Know About Me" I realized I forgot to tag people... so. I tag: Kelsie-Lynn Harms, Sheryl Epp, JON ESAU (hahah! Now he'll have to contribute; right Bonnie?), Dana Barrand (for the love of everything good and decent: POST!) and Jon Hamm.

There you have it... I look forward to reading your responses on your blogs!

7 Things You Might Not Know About Me

2007-05-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

It honors me that I was tagged by the one and only Denita Dyck and so I must comply with her request to list "7 Thing You Might Not Know About Me"... and I'll try not to be toooo depressing. Okey dokey... Here goes...

1. I LOVE MANATEES. And, I truly believe that we should be doing something to save them... visit their website here: Save the Manatees!

2. I am a weeper (If something moves me to tears, emotionally sets me off, etc... I don't just cry. I weep. Grey's Anatomy is the DEVIL for this one... Oprah, hearing a certain song, seeing people doing kind things... BRUTAL)

3. My dimple is actually a chipped cheekbone that resulted from an accident with my older sisters bike (I was a TINY kid) and the corner of a table.

4. I have been to 10 countries (for a significant length of time): Qatar, England, Netherlands, UAE, Peru, Colombia, Lebanon, Jordan, Thailand, USA...

5. I secretly long to be a long legged, toned, tanned tennis player. (Alas... fate is against me.)

6. I once saw MacGuyver in the Vancouver airport...

7. Hermithood. I believe very, very strongly that if it were not for my love of people and cultures, that I could TRULY disappear into the woods somewhere, build myself a home (much like Jodie Foster did in the movie "Nell") and live happily ever after with the forest creatures around me... hermithood.

Indeed. Indeed.

2007-05-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

Today Dana and I went to see some of the kids dancing at this Grandmothers for Grandma's fundraiser/awareness event thing.

The kids were part of an Afrian Dance group... and honestly, as I sat there watching these beautiful kids I felt so proud of them... for some I am sure it was a nerve wracking challenge to get up on stage and do that... the way they kept looking at their instructor to make sure they were doing it right - so beautiful!

I was also impacted by these children and the lives that they have lived already. Maybe some of them are too young to remember, but these kids are refugees... and at some point in their lives have had to live in very difficult circumstances. Man alive.

I am in the process of developing the youth advance theme for next year. I know these thoughts don't seem connected; but honestly every day I am more and more inspired to go with what I have been thinking as a theme more and more. This world needs positive action... we need to be inspiring and encouraging one another to do the things that are being laid on our hearts to do to be people who are affecting change where it is needed.

A little shout out to my roomie, Dana Fern - go with what you are dreaming of... you are meant to inspire change.

Much love all... much love.

PS...

2007-05-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

My two favorite clients from Global: Zhen & Alvin

Hey Hey!!

2007-05-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

So all... I really am stinking at this whole blogging with consistency thing.

Why oh why!? I do not know... I think it's for several reasons:

1) I've been busy getting settled in at Bethany this week (which is rocking my world just so you all know).

2) I spend all my time with the talented, charming, (and dare I say) studly... Timothy Baerwald. It's really weird. You always critique your friends when they get married/engaged/deeply involved with someone because they kind of drop off the face of the earth. Confession time: I am one of them. The whole marriage/pre-marriage thing is WEIRD. Us Christian ladies from the moment we enter Bible College (even if we try to be the 'cool' girls and remain all independent and strong...) deep on the inside are plagued with the dream of a wedding one day. We think of all the details and talk about how we'd want our marriages to be... and really. That is all it is: is talk and thought. Nothing compares to the real realities that one faces once the real deal is on the doorstep. Hear me out - IT IS AMAZING. But, at the same time, I feel as though I am watching myself from the outside and observing this change/growth happening. Even as I watch it and accept it/struggle through it and work at liking me for ME... it's all this big jumble inside of me, EXCITING PEOPLE... LIFE IS EXCITING!!! So much going on....

3) I feel like I want to write about what is on my heart regarding LIFE... but I don't even know where to begin. Recently, I read a post on a friends blog talking about our involvement in the world and such... and how we really don't do too much or as much as we could. My heart has been so challenged on this in these last few months, and I feel as though I have been going through this phase of self-loathing/rejecting my home culture, etc... that it's almost debilitating. Being born a North American is really crazy. Truly, think of how we have come (and this is no fault of our own... something I struggle with is HUGE guilt for this) to simply accept the things that come so easily to us. Truly, how are we to know any better? This is the culture that we are ensconced within; we are not able to simply disassociate ourselves with our home culture, just as we are not able to completely disassociate ourselves in any other culture... But really. How then, do I balance my realities? A) I see hurt/need/etc out in the world, here in my own culture/society. B) I feel guilty that I am the way I am... and C) I feel challenged to to change and be more compassionate/active, but have ZERO idea where to start really... and then D) I go back to LOVE. What is it to LOVE truly? How can I forget Erica and LOVE with greater depth and fullness?

Aiy people... so all that combined have made it difficult to post. How to express myself? How to express the JOY that I feel in my heart - abotu my job, about my Tim, about my heart stuff, about EVERYTHING I feel......... It's so funny cuz in premarital counselling we have figured out (SURPRISE!!!???) that I am an "emotional person." NOT in that I am crazy emotional... but that I feel so many things at the same time that I'm a big jumble of emotions. HA! Wanna be in my brain for a day?? Good luck!

Oh yeah, and:

4) I want to post pictures. Soon my friends... soon!

Hi Carolyn Epp...!

2007-04-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

So... just the other day, I went out for coffee with one of Tim's relatives... I shant say whom (But their initials might be R.E), and they mentioned that some in the fam have been blog stalking me to find out more about me. Alas, the moment is nigh and I would just like to say a very fun HELLO to anyone that might be blog stalking me to find out just who exactly their Timothy is marrying... I thought it was very wonderful that you thought of it... and I am so very excited to meet you sometime!

These days have been quite wonderful people... as of today there are 60 days, or 2 months until the wedding. I feel so blessed that things are just flying along. It is an interesting journey that we have had, and it is seeming more and more like this is the right decision for us. Obviously, you'd hope I would've known that when I said yes to begin with... and I did. But, with time it is seeming righter on a deeper level... I am truly pumped to become a Baerwald - as weird as it is that my name will no longer be what it always has been. To not be Erica SCAMMELL... isn't that WEIRD?

Anyway; enough wedding talk... on to the real announcement buiz. As of May 1, I am officially a full time employee of Bethany College. I know, I know... LIFER. Spare me the comments; if you don't think I, more than anyone else, am more aware of the number of years I have been involved - you are wrong. I am fully aware, and fully cognizant of the fact that the Lord keeps opening doors for me to be there. The day I feel I shouldn't be, I won't be. You can count on that. Until then, I am so so so very excited to start... I will be half time Youth Advance Director and half time Missions Assistant. Sherry Heidebrecht is directing the new developments, and I am her sidekick... things are so very exciting there people!!!

I'm not too sure what else to say; life is good. I feel content, I feel like I am being challenged. I feel like I am changing; and it's OK. Which is weird, because normally I am afraid of change... so we'll see how this goes... BE BLESSED friends... and don't forget: RSVP if you're supposed to!!!

I felt like a fool... and please don't mug me.

2007-04-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

So; here are a couple pics of my ring... "ooohhhh...", "ahhhhh..." I felt like a complete BOOB doing this - however, I have been asked by my audience, and therefore I shall submit. It's kinda fuzzy in the pics... but basically; it's a single "princess cut" (kinda square; cut so it's sparkly) Canadian diamond "in set" (or so I'm told by Tim who actually knows such things...) into a white gold band. I adore the ring; I give thanks that Timothy isn't the kind to make me wear some HEINOUS beast on my finger that I am uncomfortable with. I like my ring, it's been a shift having to wear jewellery for the first time in my life... but I figure the symbolism and all that jazz makes it worth it. Booyeah. Please don't mug me... or take my ring if you are some creepy thief scoping me out on the I-Net. I will give you all the money I possess if I may just keep my ring (and my life...).

I realized after posting this, that I look like I have incredibly UGLY hands. In my own defense; this picture does not do my hands any justice. I love my hands - they are weirdly small, cute and soft. Keep that in mind, and don't judge me for my oddly shaped looking hands in this photo - the angles were all wrong!

Why Timothy is Lucky to be Marrying ME!

2007-04-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

Mainly; because last night I cooked ONE MINX SUPPER. Seriously; Bacon wrapped scallops, grilled steaks, buttery garlic and herb roasted zucchini... I am a genius. Just had to put it out there. Although; I must say, it's a VERY good thing that I'm not one of those girls that is all worried about fitting into a certain dress... or perhaps I should say maybe I SHOULD be one of those girls that worries a bit more... whatev - I am still a genius in the kitchen.

Pertaining to that; I'm sad to say that I won't be heading out to PEI this fall. Given that I'll be newly married and stuff... I have made the decision to not go to culinary school. This is a dream of mine that I am just not sure is to happen now. I've also been re-evaluating where I want to be in life... what I want to do. Do I study culinary arts full time? I'm not sure I want to put that kind of money and time into something that I am not sure is my future.... decisions eh? Oh man. I'm sure I'll be letting you all know soon enough about one last change that is going to be happening in my life that I'm making in my professional career... more to come on that later.

Also... gotta put it out there... Appleby Drive is slowly coming alive again... this week the kids were off of school and the park is alive. ALIVE! I love that the warm weather brings out the chillins... I haven't seen a lot of the Sudanese kids in a while, so to see and hear them in the park is heartwarming. Oh man I love that I love this place! Winter was a bit gross for a while there...

PS: It's + 10 outside. I am in heaven.

Fear Not...

2007-04-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

You may all still call me Scams.

Hi guys. Sorry I am sucking at this blogging thing... it's not even like I can blame it on being busy planning the wedding. Virtually everything that needs to be done for now is just that - Done. Guh. I'm boreddddd! But, thankful that everything went so smoothly; some details for the ladies out there who might be interested;

Wedding Ceremony is at Zoar Mennonite in Waldheim
Reception is immediately to follow at Bethany College
Our photographer is Debra Marshall (Seriously; check her out - so good!)
Catering the reception is Oven Scence from Dalmeny
Dana is my Maid of Honour and Jared Brandes is Tim's Best Man
We're not really having "colours" perse; but Dana will be in all black, as will Jared - really it's the flowers that I want to pop.
Flowers are done by Blossoms - I'm having a big bouquet that is a mix of hydrangea's, peonies, freesia, roses, gerbera's, treasure calla's, and greenery... so I'm pumped about that.

Yeah; that's the basics. I am already so excited for the big day; not because I'm all bridezilla and super crazy about my wedding; really we've been very very laid back about everything; but I'm just so excited because it is looking like it is going to be SUCH a FUN FUN day... not to toot my own horn; really it's nothing I have done, but everything that has absolutely fallen into place. Now we just have to decide things like what music we want to walk down the aisle to and what ring Tim is going to decide on and small stuff... the invitations are going out in the mail today... truly; nothing to do right now. Bored bored bored! (In the most excited way!)

In other news; I'm doing fairly well... my emotions of late have been ALLLLL over the map. Somedays I don't even know the source of my upsetness or discontent, but I'm trying. I think it might all be because I'm not a lover of change (by ANY means...) and right now my life is in quite a state of pending upheaval. Dana's moving out; Tim's moving in. I'm going to be married. I'm changing jobs (well - quitting one and going full time in the other)... and maybe too a part of it is all that it is just looming over me. Nothing is RIGHT NOW, it's all in a while. And I find myself trying to be patient and sucking badly at it. Anybody who knows me knows this about me; I am very much a "make it happen" kind of girl. You ask me to plan someething, be somewhere, do something, I will get it done NOW. Which in my personal life sucks because I need to stop pushing things and wanting it to be here already and just enjoy today for what it is worth; correct?

Arg. I strain against life so often instead of just giving myself over to it.

Anyhoo; maybe one of these days I'm gonna grab up a camera and go picture taking... it's been too long this blog of mine without photos. Soon people; soon...

The Story

2007-03-15T17:35:00.000-07:00

Okay Okay... I can return to the land of the living long enough to post the story of our engagement... basically, it's a really cute and simple story. It is very Tim & Erica... and why I appreciate Timothy Baerwald so much; he keeps who I am in mind at all times!

Basically; we went for a walk on the train bridge (I was really, really hoping for the big question)... but Tim "got cold" and so we had to leave... as we're walking down the stairs we heard this HUGE bang up ahead...! We look to see what has happened and here there has been a head on collision right beside the weir (hope you all know Saskatoon!).

(SIDENOTE: In Tim's head he had wanted to pretend like we were leaving and propose up on the path by the light that shines on the weir... we had both had the same nightmare of the ring flying off into the flowing river below, and so he wanted to pop the question on flat ground)

So we stand there for a bit quite concerned for the accident - police sirens start going off, ambulances show up, people are helping... it's kind of chaotic.

(SIDENOTE: Tim in his mind starts freaking out about what he's supposed to do now because his plan has completely fallen apart... it'd kinda be inappropriate to propose at that exact moment/place)

So we get in the car and go for something to eat. Tim suggested Burger King... I wanted something a little bit nicer and suggested BP's.

(SIDENOTE: Apparently during this time, Tim is asking himself what he is supposed to do, and how he can ask the big question)

We get to BP's... go in, order and we're both in a bit of a funk, so I pulled out my notebook and we start playing X's and O's. Food comes, I go to put the book away, but Tim asks me to keep it out cuz he has another game in mind. I hand it over to him and he draws a hangman... as soon as he starts writing out the lines, I knew what the puzzle was. I purposely guessed a few letters wrong, but then Tim gives me this look and so I started geussing right. Half way through I kind of mini - hyperventilated. I believe the words; "Timothy Baerwald, if you are messing with me I will drop kick you in the head..." were uttered. :) To which he responded, "Next letter please..."

Upon completion of the puzzle he offered a lovely white box and slid the book and box my way... asking the wonderful question: "Erica, will you marry me...?"

I was unbelievably excited and completely devoid of an appetite at this point in time... we got our food boxed up and went to tell his parents and make all the phone calls that one makes.

I love the simplicity and the wonderfulness of how he went about doing it. His first plan was messed up and so he had to improvise... all in all, we are extremely happy and wedding plans are going very, very well. 89days, 1 hour and 24 minutes. Woot woot!

Dear World.

2007-03-09T00:04:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to let you all know - the reason I haven't been posting so much lately is because my mind has been in an absolute TIZZY lately because on February 1, my wonderful boyfriend treated me to the surprise shopping trip of my life...

Officially as of Wednesday the most wonderful Timothy Baerwald and I are engaged. The wedding will be held (hopefully) in Waldheim this coming June 23. It is a short engagement, but a very very sweet and long awaited one...

Please pray for us in the coming months as we prepare everything for the big day and plan for our life journey together.

I am all zippy with love and excitement; so I hope you all are just as excited as I am!

Paging Mrs. Esau...

2007-03-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

Hi Bonnie; It's me... Erica, you may remember me from a few weeks ago, when I last posted. Just kidding... sorry for the delay my dear friends, yet - fear not...

Where have I gone? Alas, my friends - I do not know. These last few weeks (since my birthday - February 1) my mind has been in the clouds. Forgetful, hearing voices, thinking I did things that I did not... why oh why? I cannot say...

Alas, this post should be titled: WHY I FEEL LIKE THE LITTLE GIRL FROM LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE.

Reason #1: I am slightly awkward
Reason #2: I am slightly funny
Reason #3: I think doped up, creepy old men with sarcastic senses of humour are funny/wonderful
Reason #4: I too have secretly always dreamed of winning a beauty pageant
Reason #5: I too would be sad if my grandfather's dead body were in the back of my parents van in which the clutch did not work
Reason #6: I too view the world through coke bottle lenses, often viewing it with the same wonderment/simplicity of that wonderful little girl
Reason #7: I have hope and long to inspire others to have hope as well... (even though unlike dear Olive I sometimes fail)
Reason #8: I love my angst/issue riddled brother with a weird, hope filled, awestruck love

If you have not yet viewed the movie LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE, watch this trailor:

If you have and know the ending, watch this clip, in which my likeness to Olive is revealed:

**** NOTE: I am not, nor do I ever intend to become, a dancer of this fashion... I hope this offends no one. (Not that I don't intend to become a dancer; I mean I hope this video offends no one... seriously, the movie is TO DIE FOR).

Shameless Plug & or's...

2007-02-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

this is a shameless plug to beat my all time high for comments - i've realized of late that this blog doesn't really have an overall theme or direction; but (OK - the trailer for Norbit just came on... Eddie Murphy: WHATTTT?????) instead is a source of amusement for myself and others... so people; show a little love - I'm actually interested in these answers...

A game of OR's (pick what you like best)

1) pepsi or coke
2) reality shows about dancing or singing
3) peanuts or cashews
4) comedy or drama movies
5) summer or winter
6) Oprah or Ellen
7) roughing it camping or superstar hotelling it
8) chinese or mexican food
9) 1%, 2%, skim or homo
10) eggs overeasy, scrambled or fried

That was fun...

My answers to or's:

1) Pepsi
2) Dancing
3) Cashews - peanuts of late annoy me - weird, I know.
4) Totally depends on my mood - if you could combine the two - booyeah.
5) SUMMER!!!
6) Ellen - so funny, so very funny; she's a shockingly good dancer at that
7) Depends who I am with, and where I am... both are PHEnomenal!
8) Mexican
9) 1%
10) Overeasy... tis true, tis true!

OK guys; have fun with this! ENJOY and COMMENT!

Post #111

2007-02-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

Weird - all three numbers; the same. 111. Interesante, no?

Anyway.

Youth Advance was this weekend. It went swimmingly well - PRAISE BE! Truly I am just so grateful to every guest, committee member, and mentor along the way who helped make the event possible - I give thanks most definitely to the G-Man above who is so amazing and so able to do such great, great things.

The theme is one that is so close to my heart. Broken. Some might think it a depressing theme, but I thought and continue to think that as a body united in Christ, we NEED to be open with the hurts - we need to express our hearts - we need to BE before one another. Hiding and denying are screwing our society over. I just finished reading an article on the Relevant Magazine website. Read it here. This article encaptures the essence of what I prayed would be made known at YA. I also read an article awhile ago in the same magazine which states in this GORGEOUS article about a ministry called To Write Love on Her Arms which is kind of explained herehere. In the article that is included in Relevant (September issue) Jamie Tworkowski states, "Learn what it means to love broken people. Don't turn away from the things that you don't understand... Don Miller write in his book Blue Like Jazz that 'something was broken in the world and we were supposed to hold our plams against the wound.' That's it. We're called to stop the bleeding. We're called to change the world." Relevant Magazine (September) p. 28...

YA was about just that: giving kids the chance to connect with their leaders, friends, other people to talk about the issues they're suffocating, denying and living repressed under. My encouragement to all out there; to myself; to our nation - how are we stopping the bleeding? What am I doing to change my world?

Wow. Now that is a challenge to live by!

Pepsi, Pistachios... and Youth Advance!

2007-01-28T07:37:00.000-08:00

These days while my wonderful Fernie is away, learning of the good things God is doing in this world - I am left alone here in our humble abode in Appleby Drive. The silence has been wonderful and deafening all at the same time. Many nights I have sat on the couch (alone) and eaten pistachios (alone) and imbibed Pepsi (alone). Don't get me wrong, my reality shows - "So You Think You Can Dance", "The Real World Denver", "The Duel", "CSI", "Grey's Anatomy" etc... have kept me company. But I miss that little typer in the corner obsessed with keeping in touch with every blogger on the face of this earth... sigh.

Youth Advance is in 5 days. Dear me... today I am moving out to Bethany so that I can be there all this week. I took a week of "vacations" from Global. It'll be awesome I think - I'm so excited to just be out at Bethany and really focus and prepare for this weekend! Woooooooooo.....

And lastly; I need people to be commenting people. So the question you should answer in my comments area is: If you won a million dollars, what would you do with it? And don't be all modest and say; "oh I'd save it..." be adventurous, be crazzzzy, seriously - what would you buy?

I'm Not Grumpy Anymore!!!

2007-01-21T23:18:00.000-08:00

Hehe... tis true folks! At last, the madness has passed... and I just wanna give a personal shout-out to my roomie Dana; who forever is faithfully by my side! Dana; you truly are a great friend... phenomenal roommate, and I do owe you a tremendous deal for the way you are still my friend even through all the ups and downs that this last year has been. Can you believe it's been 9 months already? WOW. Where has the time gone. You are a wonderful human being; a wonderful friend, and most of all, a wonderful roommate. Where would I be without you in my life? :)

On another note; played soccer out at Bethany this weekend. Three things to note:

1) I am incredibly stiff and sore... the stairs up and down from the apartment are my enemy. Enemy #2: the toilet. Guys are lucky; they can just stand there and do their thing without the pain of quads screaming against the sitting down and standing up from the toilet process - now, ladies such as myself - not so lucky... dear me.

2) It is phenomenal to see old friends. Went out for brunch this morning with a bunch of ppl from my freshman class - it is so good to laugh and be real and feel joy with some of the people who made Bethany so great. I absolutely loved chillaxing at the alumni coffeehouse with people who I really only get to see annually when these tournaments come around... and even funner is making connections to see each other again sometime. Keeping in touch with people who have meant a lot to you in the past is awesome... along the same lines:

3) It is sad to see people, and to see yourself change. Sometimes it is for the better; and sometimes it's not. Either way, as time, distance, and personality growth continue there is bound to be change that will divide and cause some connections to fade. I don't think it's a matter that the initial connection wasn't real; I just think it's a fact of life. As I write this I am indeed a bit sad to think of it... but again I have to believe that life is just that - full of complexities and change. I think I'm in that age category (1 1/2 weeks until my 24th b-day) where life is really about instability and the struggle to find it. We all want to some extent to settle down a bit, to find happiness, to be challenged in new ways... how does it pan out in light of old friendships? I don't know... the quest continues.

Finally folks, I do have to say that life is just so beautiful. I am saddened and challenged constantly by what comes my way. Continually I guess the cry of my heart is that I would be OK with who I am and who I am becoming. This last year has been really, really good for discovering that; but I guess I really hope that that wouldn't end. Ever. Even on the days when I wish it would... this road to bogota of sorts really is a journey... Rock On.

I'm including some photos of a road trip I took this summer with two awesome ladies (Dana and Amy) - we had a PHE nomenal time on this trip and I really actually find myself longing for times like this again... It was good to be with them at that time. These pics are included here because I kind of appreciate my roots of late. The first photo is just me: me being me. Happy, laughing... feeling good; driving my Jeep. FUN. Next is my step dad; very cool guy... this photo was taken in a sketchy Valleyview shop when he was helping a friend out... he's so hardcore. Next is me and the Ame-ster on my porch. I used to not like that I grew up in a trailor in the sticks but this year have come to a place where I can be proud of the hard work that went into that home... we built on the addition and porch when I was 14 or 15... it was the first time in my whole life I had a room of my own... my dad even built bookshelves into the walls for me. It rocked. Now it's the TV room. My walls were long tore down. Sad. Next is me and my mam. Many moons have passed in our relationship to get it is where it is today. I never thought we would get to this place we're at these days... this is a woman with a rough past and who tries to do the best she can now. These pics are to prove that life may throw you stones, but every once in a while; there is a precious diamond in the rough. I hope I can remember that on the days that it's hardest to remember. Peace everyone. Peace.

I'm Grumpy.

2007-01-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

Grumpy. Grumpy. Grumpy.

Do you know what Dana said when I said I was blogging?

"You're writing a blog right now?"

Yes Dana, yes I am. Do you know why. Because I just got home from my two jobs... TWO. Count them. Not everyone gets some cushy job with "flex" time and prissy trips to Texas in the middle of February you know. Yeah that's right... TWO jobs.

Hehehehe... what a day. I am so grumpy. This probably won't be funny to anyone but me. Because I AM GRUMPY. Errrrr....

Just kidding. This is like my therapy. Boooooo hooooo Dana... positive blah blah blah... Just kidding. You're always so positive... You're wonderful, perfect... you never say or do anything negative or complicated. This is sounding WAY too harsh people. Really; Fern is a good person; I like living with her; life is good with Fern in it.

One of my new years resolutions is to be a more positive person. Today I failed. Thanks for pointing out my failures Fern; you never cease to know how to motivate me :) Ouch.

I shall go down now and get my laundry from the dryer.

Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy.

:)

I vacuumed.

2007-01-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

Yes indeedily doodily my dear friendily wendily's... I vacuumed to ring in the New Year! And it was great, great, great fun!!! The Baerwald and I returned from our week long journey to meet and greet every parent, sister, brother, family member either of us know late New Year's Eve (about 10 PM). Now, originally, our plan was to hang out with some friends and ring in the NY (New Year) together; but quite frankly: I was tired. So, I vacuumed up all the heinous pine needles that had falled off the tree during my week away, got into some PJ's, tidied up my stuff from the jour-nay and laid myself on the couch and watched TV. I must say; I LOVED IT!!! NY for me is always sooooo.... boring. I'm really not into the whole idea - whoopity whoop - a NY. Boo-erns is what I gotta say. Wellll, not boo-erns, but meh. That's it - meh. I had a heck of a time all by myself... I like my self. My self is rockin. Woot woot.

Now, on to a summary of this week's journeys: Waldheim with Tim's fam was awesome! I love those Baerwalds a lot... I got a sweet ace cutting board from the ole boyfriend-ski and a minx - MINX - pair of oven mitts. Sweet. Waldheim was pretty low key I'd say - Not really too sure what else to say about it: lots of good food, good fam and goodness all around. Then we went to Edmonton to visit my dad and fam - it was sweet cuz my G-ma was out from Ontario; so I really enjoyed seeeing her AND my little nephew Aiden was out at my parents, so it was really, really sweet getting the chance to love that little guy... Plus, while we were in Edmonton we went and saw the movie: The Holiday, and I gotta say - I loved every single minute of it. I am such a girl; but it rocked. Then, the finale... and what a finale it was - Valleyview. Exposing my roots to anyone is often a nerve wracking thing... but somehow, the ole Tim-ski fit right in to my roots... it was frightening seeing how much he and my (step) dad have in common, and see how they could really go off and amuse themselves with random boy stuff for hours - I didn't have to run interference, Tim was fine alone with him, I could relax. It was nice... the boys talked motors, fed animals, propped up the carport with some ole 4 by 4 inch plywood stuff (I think?) and we cruised the countryside partying with all my parents friends. You'd think I was kidding about that last part; but that's just a sign that you've never been to Valleyview, or met my parents :)

To be home is nice. It was busy. It was nice not thinking about work, but I am equally excited to get going on some work stuff. Youth Advance is just a month away and I am ecstatic to see how stuff goes. It was on my mind a lot over the holidays... I'm ready. I'm pumped.

I'd just put on here however, that I can not sleep. Why why why? I am tired, yet my mind will not stop. The future is a scary thing. So many big decisions; how do I know which ones are the right ones? How do all my dreams mesh together? Aiy yai yai - nothing like the NY to get the mind thinking of all that is ahead hey? Next time, I am going to post some thoughts on my NY's resolutions. I am making some; I still have yet to fully think them through (and hence, I shall be a few days late in posting them...) but I assure you, the wait is worth it!

Peace all; it's good to be home!

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-22T22:20:00.000-08:00

Hi all...

Now, I know that wishing people a Merry Christmas probably isn't the most politically correct term... but here's what I figure: Christmas is a time that is meant to be about 3 things in my book: faith, hope and love... and I think regardless of race, religion or creed, we all can say that those are 3 things this world is in a little more need of.

This Christmas is a good one for me I think - there will be lots of family, food and hopefully FUN! The Baerwald and I are off on a Swiss family Scammell and Baerwald journey this season that will take us to Waldheim, Edmonton AND Valleyview; all within the space of one week. Oiy vey! He's never met my mother... all of you should pray for the poor lad... she may be litte, but hoo boy is she feisty! Just kidding... the worst she'll do is make some scary, inappropriate, Valleyview-type comment and embarass the poor thing... I'm thinking it could get hilarious.

Perhaps we should take a camera along for some fun photos - you never know when a penguin display will grab your attention, just begging to be used to create wonderfully funny photo ops... or perhaps the large Ukranian egg that resides in Vegreville. Such a cool egg. Ahh sigh; sorry if this post is a tid bit boring... I'm not going to lie, I've had a bit of stage fright for posting after that FREAKING hilarious Dave barnes video... seriously, that guy makes me crack up!

OK people; the gifts are not getting wrapped this way; and I have a wedding to go to in the morning... hence, sleep needs to occur. I enjoy you all, and wish you the Merriest of Navidad's... Love. Faith. HOPE. This world can be changed by the positive gifts that lie within us all - cast aside the fear that would hold you back from doing/having more of all those things!

Much Love, Erica

It's a Big Girl World Now

2006-12-07T20:58:00.000-08:00

... and everyday I wish I was small.

Amen Kendall Payne Amen.

Anyhoo - today I did not leave my couch. All day... what does this make me feel? Welp. First, I'd have to say great cuz it meant I wasn't in the bathroom heaving the last effects of this weird 24-hour flu-like thing up (always a pleasure...) and Secondly, I'd have to say amazingly rested.

Reflections on the year 2006 that is quickly coming to a close:

1) I'm glad it's almost over
2) I wish I wasn't glad that a year of living was almost over
3) Shoot, I wish I could sleep... for a long, long, long period of time
4) I wish I didn't have so many bills.
5) I like that things have worked out
6) I wish the things that haven't worked themselves out yet would soon
7) I hope this New Years Eve is better than last... anyone ever celebrated New Years with a mono-infested special friend? Not the best time ever...! Them sleeping, you watching terrible TV. Booyeah? This year'd better be better - not sure it could be worse, so here goes!
8) I'm hungry
9) Do I dare attempt eating?

Welp; I don't have any other really deep thoughts besides those... feliz navidad folks.

Oh yeah; PS: I almost peed myself when I saw this, and so thought I should share it with y'all! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! Seriously; Dave Barnes... who knew he was SO funny...!?

Notice: The Spanish accent with a LISP!!!
Also Notice: His chuckles in between songs cuz he just can't help it!
Thirdly: When he knocks on the guitar and then asks: "who is there!"
Lastly: HIS NOSE... how does he sing AND flare it at teh same tiem??? Oh my I might actaully pee!
Wait wait... no, no the bad English at the end! ANNDDDD "Police Never Die... or is it please?" I don't know - FRICKING hee-larious! For some reason, Jon Esau, I hope you watch this and laugh like I did... tha'ts right a personal shout out on the oel blogski... hoo doggy... enjoy peeople enjoy!

My Decision.

2006-12-01T18:19:00.000-08:00

Today I called Holland College and let them know that I just don't think I can go in March. It is too soon, and I don't feel ready. At the same time, I am feeling a bit unsteady about that decision. My application will be re-entered into the running for September, and so the door is not closed... a piece of me wonders if it is out of fear that I do not want to go just yet; but another piece of me knows that I need to be here now. That dream will come to fruition, I just have to wait. Wait, wait, wait. Patience may be a virtue, but it is not one that I am good at.

In other news. I am going to be posting some pictures soon. However, I put the question out there: of what. Of what should I take pictures? Send me on an adventure people! If I shan't go to PEI just yet, I shall check out the scenery 'round here... oh yes yes!

Geez Lou-eeze Bettina!!!

2006-11-28T22:11:00.000-08:00

Okay... okay... so I put trashy magazines twice, hence... I still have only listed 99 for my posting of 100 things I like or love about life.

SOOOOOOOO.... the 100th thing that I will post is the following:

#100 (for real): I LOVE receiving Congratulations on being accepted to the Culinary Arts program at a wonderful little school out in PEI that I posted about a few short posts ago. Yes, yes my friends... it is true!!! Erica Scammell, most recent acceptee to Holland College's Culinary Arts Program! Am I bound for the Eastern seaboard of Canada? Well, I have not yet made the decision (or sent the confirmation fee)... but, I have been accepted.

Would you like a demi glaze with that? BOOYEAH!

What is out there?

2006-11-24T23:48:00.000-08:00

For me. that is indeed the question I am pondering on this particular sleepless night. Who am I to be? What am I to do? Today I translated this "healthy mother, healthy home" thing... a Colombian girl is having her second child (first here in Canada)... and I loved every minute of it. Helping her, being able to calm her nerves and answer her questions... there is no feeling like it in the world. Every opportunity I get to translate for someone only makes me that much more grateful that I struggled with such loneliness and isolation while I was in Colombia. It was worth it to be completely ensconced in the language and to have learned so much... crazy!

Lately I have been loving a new idea regarding refugees here in Saskatoon - whether or not it will come to fruition we'll see. Maybe it's not for me to be a part of - maybe it's for someone who is more into communal living... I don't know. However, the thought is in my heart and it excites me. I have a longing to be with people and to help them... is it in me/my character to do this full time? Or am I too selfish with my view of time and space?

And also I then think about the fact that I have applied to a school on the other side of this country, yet am plagued by this indecision as to whether or not I should finish the application process by sending in my resume. What if I get in? What if I don't? Is my restaurant dream really a plausible idea?

And lastly, why do I view everything with such hope? It's heart wrenching to be disappointed time and again. Particularly when it comes to viewing my short comings. Why am I such an emotional person - sometimes I just want to shout out how I feel or express myself in my over-dramatic way... only to be reminded again that not everyone understands that very expression. The ultimate slamming of oneself into the final wall of guh-ness.

For real lastly... my buddy Chris was kind enough to point out I cheated on that last post and that in fact, because I listed Grey's Anatomy twice, I only listed 99 thing I love about life and living. So. For real now; to make it a true 100...

#100. Trashy Magazines and Hollywood news.

Yes it is true... don't you love that that was my #100? Hehehe... enjoy this weekend folks! Enjoy every moment!

HAPPY 100th!!!!

2006-11-17T20:11:00.000-08:00

Hi friends... today marks the 100th post on this blog of mine. What to say... what to say; how to make it special? I KNOW... I will write 100 things I like or enjoy about life, love, nouns, etc... ? ... lame? Possibly; get over it and feel free to share in response hmm... lets say 5 things about life, love, nouns (persons, places or things), etc... that you enjoy as well. I was going to title this post "Where have all the commenters gone?" But thought, you know... let's not draw out comments with negativity, let's let it happen as a natural result of people desiring to share with one another and me about themselves.

1. Why not just put it out there - Timothy Baerwald.
2. Why not keep it going - Dana Fern Barrand.
3. And drum roll - Amy Forrest.
4. Manatees.
5. Hanging things.
6. Fabric.
7. Cooking.
8. Leaves - bright, colourful leaves.
9. The smell of grass.
10. Pyjamas - I could wear pyjamas 24/7!
11. Tacos.
12. iTunes.
13. Valleyview. Shocking I know; but I do. I think I'm kind of proud of my roots these days - weird eh?
14. Music.
15. Playing Piano.
16. Painting.
17. Dana's Banana Bread - to die for.
18. Appleby Drive.
19. Majok, Nabuk, Njema, Atthok.
20. Bartending.
21. Serving at Red Lobster.
22. My JEEP!
23. Being hugged by the man when I'm having a poopy day.
24. Reading and the Library.
25. Chinese Markets.
26. Being ensconced within a new culture - having my senses overloaded with new stuff.
27. Plants - and the challenge that comes with them alive.
28. Zanzibar Clove candles.
29. Pier 1.
30. My bed.
31. Sleeping.
32. My blankets.
33. CSI.
34. Grey's Anatomy.
35. Laughing - til it hurts!
36. Zoos.
37. The train bridge.
38. Cheesecake and Skor blizzards.
39. Swimming.
40. Tanning - although my skin doesn't really take to it so well!
41. This one's for you Liz - Jim Belushi.
42. Skunks.
43. Squirrels.
44. Mice.
45. Other woodland creatures.
46. Counting my footsteps - from work to the public library is approximately 1800.
47. Curly Hair.
48. Sunny blue skies.
49. Walking alone.
50. Jogging.
51. Soccer.
52. Watching football on TV.
53. Watching movies. Hope Floats - one of my faves!
54. Writing.
55. Star Gazing.
56. Mittens.
57. Grey's Anatomy.
58. Greg on CSI and George on Grey's - both so very funny!
59. A nice pair of jeans and a hoodie.
60. Colombia.
61. Qatar.
62. The Desert.
63. Duning.
64. Hot hot hot temperatures.
65. Memories; one of my faves - hanging out in Peru with Dennis and Betty while they were on Trek. Huanchaco beach, playing in the waves and shopping on the pier.
66. Thailand - sitting in a restaurant under palm trees filled with mini white lights dreaming of being there with a boy one day.
67. Breathing.
68. Feeling Joy.
69. Christmas!
70. Opening Gifts.
71. The hope that one day I can give my children wonderful Christmas memories.
72. Summer.
73. Playing catch.
74. Camping.
75. Waskesiu.
76. Having my picture taken - although I am incredibly shy about it... why? I don't know.
77. Pomegranates.
78. Trashy magazines.
79. West Ed - with Laura Schroeder.
80. Riding rollercoasters with Elizabeth Epp.
81. Making crazy videos to leave as surprises with Amber Deschenes for the Epp-ski.
82. Snorkelling.
83. Coloring.
84. Everything to do with Erica Ray.
85. Bettina Mae Unrau.
86. The name Emily.
87. Catching that special someone's eye.
88. Analyzing people in public; trying to figure out their stories.
89. A gentle summer breeze on my face.
90. Watching the sun set.
91. Watching the moon rise.
92. Sitting and having tea with a friend.
93. Candle light and the way it makes me feel beautiful.
94. Driving standard.
95. Walks by the river.
96. Feeling love for someone.
97. Making magnets.
98. Brushing my teeth.
99. The soft feel of straight hair.
100. The feeling of being alive.

Thank-You Dan!

2006-11-13T01:06:00.000-08:00

So, recently... Saturday morning at approximately 10 AM, I was reminded by my friend Dan King that it was time to update my blog. Thanks Dan... I hadn't realized it had been so long; hope the shout out makes up for my lack of updating... And so, here I am. Updating.

What to say though? Do I take it deep? Do I keep it light? I just don't know. Lately I haven't been feeling too much. Actually; that is a falsehood. I've been feeling too much. So much in fact, that I cried watching the movie Click tonight. I am a weenie.

What exactly are these feeeeeeeelings I speak of? Well; I don't know how to put it exactly. Mostly it's that there is this urge in me to run. Literally, run - as in a jog. But also to run away from the mysteries of my heart... the mysteries of my dreams and hopes... and away from the mysteries of life. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I don't want. I want it to be easy. I want things to happen when I want them to. I want, I want, I want.

Secondly (was there a first? I don't know... it's 3 AM... why I am I still awake - dang you Pepsi; dang you and geez lou-eeze why do I cave in to you at midnight when I know this will happen??? GUH!)... man, now after that tyrade I forgot my secondly. Mother!

This post is over... I realize I haven't said a lot. But oh yeah - secondly. I feel like a jerk for wanting so much when others have so little. What does it matter if I have to wait for something I want... I am OK; I have a home, I have friends, I have life... sometimes I drive down 20th or meet with a family who literally has nothing and get so infuriated at the part of me that wants so much. If I could rip out my selfishness and self-centeredness and lose it forever I feel I would be so much a better person.

I miss Colombia these days too.

I miss fresh air and breathing also; I wish to be camping in the mountains right now.

From where comest this feeling of discontent? I talked to these very neat-o pastors awhile ago and they said it was the Lord knocking at my heart asking to be allowed more room to move. Probably is... how do I let go of it all and let him work? I feel so close, yet so far.

I wrote a Shakespearean play about my bed today; it had to do with my love of the oh so comfortableness of it and how my heart sings as I lie swaddled in it's sheets. And on that note, I go to my dear sweet bed... to rest in its beautifulness.

Date Night With Dana!

2006-10-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight the one and only, lovely Fernie and I went on our date night... we've been talking about it for quite some time, and so tonight we decided to not put it off any longer. What did we do you might ask? Welp; we started off with Moxie's where I ate this mo fo burger. Seriously; so good. Then we went to Rucker's where I scored HUGE on the python game... and Dana scored huge on the "Flamin' Finger"... seriously, what type of name does that game have? Wowzas. It was good to relax. The stress-o-meter lately has been rather high. Not sure why, I simply always feel like I have this ball of pressure in the middle of my forehead. Relax you say... DON'T YOU THINK I WANT TO? I feel like I'm on this tight string that will break at any moment... like, hmm... what is an example? Oh, OK... this week at the YA meeting, the devo sharer talked about looking at life lightly, and even when there is stress, to remain calm and keep a passage from Philippians 4 in mind. Yeah. When I heard that I felt pinned to my chair type conviction. Geeeeeeeeeeez Scammell - let things go; that's what I gotta say. Anyhoiooiu - Tonight was sweet. I chilled, bought a book, hung with the Dane-ster... although CSI doesn't appear to be on tonight, which is disconcerting I must admit. Peace out everyone; and remember: Just let it go... just let it go... By the way... here's some more get to know me type q's:

1. FIRST NAME?
Erica.

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Ney.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
The last time Dana hit me... seriously; so abusive.

4. DO YOU KNOW YOUR OWN HANDWRITING?
Yes.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Deli cut turkey.

6. KIDS?
Yes. 4 - Either 3 boys with one girl, or 3 girls with one boy.

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No way - way too many issues.

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?
Yes; it's zebra printed.

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Never.

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Nope; I think my exclamation point would make quite an awkward impression as it splattered the ground below.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE POSITION IN BED?
Asleep.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I am ripped.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Mint cookie.

I6. SHOE SIZE?
7

17. RED OR PINK?
Pink.

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
The issues that plague my brain.

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
In a nutshell; the one and only Joan Godard... Ah Joanie; how I miss theeeeee.....

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO INCLUDE THIS IN THEIR BLOG TOO?
Meh; it's kinda long?

21. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
My ripped up, old jeans - so blue. And no shooes; white socks.

22. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Oh my word; this mother huge burger from Moxies, paired up with this DELICIOUS baked potatoe; but the potatoe was hollowed out, creamed with cream cheese, chives and bacon - HO MAMA!

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Dana talking on the phone - shocking...?

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Definitely a deep blue/turquoisey blue.

25. FAVORITE SMELLS?
1) Cut grass
2) My sheets
3) Tim's pit stick - it's weird I know. (Not the pit stick; the fact that I like it's smell)
4) Spicy food

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A volunteer from Global Gathering Place.

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO?
Not gonna lie - their shoulders.

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
She's alright I guess?

29. FAVORITE DRINK?
Gladiator - such a fun shot... Does this make me a heathen? Sorry guys... Scammell is not perfect?

30. FAVORITE SPORT?
Soccer.

31. HAIR COLOR?
Brown.

32. EYE COLOR?
Hazel- ish?

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No.

34. FAVORITE FOOD?
Tacos. Arroz con pollo. Shwarma. Stir Fry.

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING?
Happy Ending... all the way!

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED IN THEATER?
Marie Antoinette.

37. WHAT SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Fuschia undershirt; yellow overshirt.

38. SUMMER OR WINTER?
SUMMER!!!!

39. HUGS OR KISSES?
BOTH!!!

40. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Dana's mom's brownies; or apple crisp...

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
I just bought this really cool bartending book... (and let the heathen comments continue...?)

44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Laptop = no mouse.

45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV?
No TV. I was on a date.... ooooohhh....

46. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
Rain, children laughing, a beautiful song that makes me feel gushy inside... I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sound of the wind... waves crashing, leaves rustling...

47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
At the risk of persecution, all I have to say is... Zzzzzzzzz.....

48. THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Qatar probably...? Time I felt furthest from home? Abandoned in Bahrain or on that mountain in Velez. Not sure which.

Let's Talk About Anne

2006-10-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

Anne of Green Gables that is...

I share with you all the following post as accompanied by photos;

I have this desire lately to go to school to study cooking

I want to study cooking because someday I want to open a restaurant; inspired by international cuisine and to support the refugee/immigrant population here in Canada, as well as educate the rest of us folk about refugee and immigrant issues...

As well as this restaurant idea; I also want to open another restaurant; it would be open weekends as a restaurant, where the WHOLE kitchen is visible along one length of the restaurant; not only would it be an experience in fine cuisine, but also an entertaining experience... during the week, the "restaurant" would become an institute of sorts; offering fun evening cooking classes and things of that sort... HOW AWESOME AN IDEA IS THIS!??!!?!?! PLEASE DON'T STEAL IT... IT IS WHAT MAKES MY HEART GO INTO OVERDRIVE THESE DAYS... I am soooo excited about this people!!! PS: If you have money and would consider becoming an investor one day; call me, we can talk.

Where do I want to achieve this beautiful dream of beoming a culinary whiz???

PEI. Prince Edward Island.

The picture of the funny man was just that - funny. When I searched "PEI" he showed up... is his name Pei or something?

Anyway; focus back on me and my dream. Why PEI you might ask? Well... because that is where Holland College or the Culinary Insitute of Canada is located.

Now, if only I can find the nutty tuition money, in September 2007 my dream could begin... don't get me wrong people; so many factors involved before I could even think of uprooting myself and my life to PEI; but man... the more I think about being one of these guys:

The more excited I get. Anyone out there want to sponsor a future world famous chef? What do y'all think of the ideas? Would you support something like that? Would you dine out at a restaurant like that? Does it intrigue you? Questions? Comments? Dime por favor!

MY TURN!

2006-10-09T14:29:00.000-07:00

Okey dokey people... thanks for the comments; I was going to leave that last blog as the top one for awhile longer, but seeing the unmoving 16 comments each day is slowly driving me INSANE!!!! Thanks for all the comments; it's good to get to know the little things about friends. I wish that some of the people who check this blog would leave a comment; even if I don't know them... HINT HINT. For instance; there is this girl in BC who's blog I check on a very regular basis. I'm considering leaving a comment but feel a bit like a stalker or creep of some kind. However, if you feel that way about commenting on mine; don't worry I don't think you're creepy or a stalker. That said; feel free to answer the last post still - OK?

My answers:
1)Arabic - without a doubt... I love MidEastern culture. I've actually taken one Arabic class; it was when I lived in Qatar and to graduate grade 12 I had to have 2 more language credits; so I took Spanish (sweet; cuz it's paid off) and I took Arabic with the middle school kids; so I was a grade 12 student with a bunch of grade 5 and 6 kids... seriously one of my favoritist classes ever!

2)Miami, followed by Guadalajara, Mexico for a week followed by Bogota Colombia for a couple days. Miami so I could see a MANATEE and chillax on the beach in South Beach style (I LOVE MIAMI!!!) then I'd go to Mexico so I could visit Jen and the Godards and perhaps take a couple days to do the beaches... Colombia so I could see my family there. Man I miss those Reyes and all my friends!!

3) PEPSI - Ruler of all things good and tasty!

4) BK: WHOPPER WITH CHEESE, FRIES WITH MAYO, COKE... oh the goodness of this meal. How my hips love thee!

5) Ok; so here we go on the MWS/Global Warming/Africa post: You see, Michael W. Smith is just so dang sexy that his sexiness is steaming up the earth's core temperature which then in turn is melting the ice caps causing fear and panic amongst the nations; but not in Africa where the earth's core temperature rise is having devastating effects on rain production - causing droughts and starvation... all because of Michale W. Smith's sexiness. The nerve. Am I stumbling? Oh yeah... JUST KIDDING!

6) Fave book of la Biblia; Samuel, Habakkuk, 2 Corinthians.
Fave non-ficiton book; Did you know that I can DE-VOUR a 300+ page book in one sitting? Seriously; it's like you put a good book in my hand, and I cannot put it down until it's finished. Throughout my life this has caused MANY MANY MANY sleepless nights. Anyhoo; anything by Kathy Reichs (kinda like CSI-like books but with a forensic-anthropologist twist), Safely Home by Randy Alcorn, anything by Sidney Sheldon, John Grisham, Maeve Binchy has had a FEW good ones... mmmm.... Cane and Abel by Jeffrey Archer... hoo doggy, I could go on and on and on.... OH YEAH: COOKBOOKS!!!!!!

Alright people; my turkey is in the oven, I have potatoes and yams to peel... the pie is setting nicely and I must say; I'm not nearly as panicked about putting on Thanksgiving Dinner as I was at 8 am this morning. Seriously; how does society figure us women can just turn out beautifully roasted turkeys and mountains of smooth, creamy potatoes simply because we're women? Ah well; time to prove my cooking abilities to the man; and 9 other guests. Geez Louise am I nuts or what!?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Light...

2006-10-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

Light hearted. This is what I desire to be.

Questions for commenting on:

1) If you could learn a language; which would it be?

2) The PERFECT week long vacation - what does it look like?

3) Coke or Pepsi?

4) What do you order at BK?

5) If you could have me post on one topic - what would it be?

6) Favorite book of the Bible/favorite non-fiction book - what is it and why?

I will answer all of these questions in my next post; but only if you all answer at least one of these questions in my comments. I want to know who you people who check my blog are!! Everyone can post comments - so you have NO excuses!!!

Tonight I want to scream.

2006-09-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

Tonight I want to scream the words that I could barely choke out while sitting on Joan's couch a few years back. I remember the setting perfectly; sitting on the deep couch cushions that I had sat on so many times before; looking at the same colourful canvas on the opposite wall; with my feet up on the wood table in the center, staring at the assortment of candles and pebble thingies and vases that were always there: I want more. I want more of Jesus, I want more of life, I want more of me, I want to help other people...

The list could go on and on. I want to scream for freedom: freedom from oppression for all of the oppressed; freedom for the people who are much like me and feel trapped, alone, stuck inside our bodies, unable to love and be loved... GUH!@!##U@@(I@)O@(#@(#(#(. I want to scream for freedom from the judgements of others; ohhhhhh that we could seeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Man alive - think of the change we could create in this world if we stopped judging one another and just allowed each other to live! The unity that could exist in Creation if we got over ourselves!!!

Tonight I went and spoke on behalf of my new job - and afterwards they gave everyone time to sit around and socialize and stuff. I sat with this woman who literally did not speak any English. As I watched the tears gather in her eyes, as I watched her lips twitch out of longing to speak and as I grasped at her hand while I was speaking excitedly my wish/prayer/thought for that woman was that I could help ease her pain/loneliness/angst.

Realization numero uno: I am a helper... I desire to help people all the time - I feel alive when I am helping. If I feel like I am not helping or am hindering, I get UBER down on myself. This whole last week has been like that; I've been sick, I feel like I am not doing a good job at my new job... I am UBER down on myself. It is a mystery to me QUITE often that I have any friends at all... this is not a plea for compliments (ALTHOUGH - there is a LARGE number of people out there who check my blog and NEVER post comments. If this is you - I seriously am curious about who you are; for ex: who on earth checks my blog from Waldheim? ORRRRR; from the states??? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!!!?????)... this is simply a statement.

Ah Lordy - that you would continue to break my heart for those that hurt, but help me to stop pushing those away who would love me as I am!!! Yikes, what a nuts-zo prayer. People; continue to love; continue to be non-judgemental; continue to love Jesus and forget all that barriers and walls that would divide us as people.

As Romeo Dallaire said last night; and the two points of his that I will take with me for the rest of my life; all humans are equally human... secondly, inaction is action. Think on it... be blessed!

Oh Thursday I Shall!

2006-09-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

Hello all. Sop; seriously; the mood swing-age this week has been ridiculous. I know that what I have come to conclude might sound kinda simple... but stick with me.

The rules that Erica NEEDS to abide by in order to stay sane:

#1: Take time to be quiet... and keep the house a sanctuary (just every once in a while, I promise Dana...). Don't be nuts for a few hours each day...

#2: Do the things that remind you of Christ's character...

#3: Don't overdo it... whether that be in being busy or in hanging out with people too much or...

#4: Be honest.

#5: Calm down before doing/saying rash statements.

Yep; I think that's it. Seriously; let's talk about Rule #2. Today was Tea Time at Appleby time... a conversation circle for teh people that live here that we run out of kid's club. Today wasn't going so hot, so I went out to invite people to come. I stopped by our friend Martha's house - her kids are some of our favourites... and she and I visited for about 20 minutes. Those 20 minutes reminded me so intensely much what the character of Christ really is then anything else I've done in these last weeks... Watching Martha play with her son, Tiok, was nothing short of stunning. STUNNING. Martha's joy at being visited and at playing with her son were beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. I am astounded at what being with these people I love does in my heart. It gives me joy, it brings me peace and it makes me realize why I am here on this earth. Truly, I get so much out of living here in Appleby Drive. I wish every day, all day I could just visit these people that I love and help them adjust and work within this life, this foreign society. Shoot dawg.

And so, on Thursday I shall... go and take photos of my beloved Saskatoon with a friend. Why? Because it brings me peace, it gives me joy... in my busyness of late I have forgotten to take the time to do those things; to simply be in moments... I hate how I get to this place where I expect SOOOOOO much out of life and the people around me that I turn miserable. It's retarded. Oh that I could just get past the things that hold me back... I guess my rules should help me out a little; just gotta keep the focus people. Keep the focus!

Amigos en Colombia; les quiero mucho y pienso en ustedes cada dia... a mi familia; Los Reyes alla - no puedo decir tanto que les quiero... gracias por la experiencia tenia con ustedes... gracias que por las meses que estuve en Colombia ustedes fueron mi familia realmente... y gracias porque siento que hasta hoy mismo, todavia estan mi familia!

Life - AKA Post #92

2006-09-10T23:25:00.000-07:00

Here I sit on my couch in the dark of the living room. It's approximately 12:20... and I have to be up for work at 7 in the morning so I can be there for 8 so I can leave by 3... and even then, that's only 6.5 hours. Oh dear me. Why am I sitting on this couch brooding you might ask? I really don't know; and that's the thing of it all. I feel as though in this last week a growing, gnawing, fermenting frustration has been rising up within me... and life is GREAT essentially; so what the heck is going ON!?(#$

As I sat on a rock by the river tonight I pondered several things:
a) is my butt getting dirty from this dusty rock?
b) will people notice my dusty butt if I gas up the Jeep after leaving this dusty rock?
c) what is my freaking problem?
d) what will happen to my gum that just fell out of my mouth and into this gorgeous river...!?
e) that person flying the kite over there reminds me of Colombia; August is the month of kites...
f) man I wish {insert special friend name here] were here, but the silence and smells of nature are kind of nicer because I'm alone
g) man, I feel so alone
h) I think I need to move back to Edmonton to fix the growing hole that exists between me and the fam
i) ugh, I'm so tired of putting effort into point h.
j) what effort? you are a lazy slug and do nothing to improve the situation
k) I never want to leave this rock... even though it might be dirtying my bottom
l) am I going to be able to climb back up the sand embankment that I slid down to get here?
m) freak I hope so because that would be embarassing if not
n) if I can't get back up, I have no food.
o) the cell phone is in your left pocket; I'm sure BP's delivers...
p) hmmmm....
q) I wish I had a camera
r) what is up with these sick tiny little mosquito like things??
s) why do I feel so alone?
t) why have I been so grumpy lately?
u) why am I so irritated all the time?
v) what is up with me not absolutely adoring my job that I wanted soooo very badly?
w) I just need to get over it!
x) but what the heck is "it" anyway?????
y) is this menopause?
z) man I wish I could go swimming...

So there you have it. Seriously, these were my thoughts as I sat by the river. There were moments of tears in there; moments of silence just waiting to hear the answers to my questions. The inner turmoil of Erica Scammell; as expressed alphabetically... gotta love my brain!

On a chipper note: saw Matt Costa last night at Louis' - man is he good. I've always enjoyed him (except for the month that Dana played and replayed and replayed his CD constantly... there was a bit of a lull in the enjoyment factor; I must admit). The thing I liked about him was that it wasn't about the loudness, it wasn't about the hype... I felt he was just doing his thing. His way; nicely. Great show, I thoroughly enjoyed him...

On another chipper note; can we talk about how much I love car washes? Indeed; I may get the Jeep washed tomorrow; something about the tri-colour foam is just so mezmorizing... and I think I've detected a mild scent to it as well. Indeed - that may be a treat for Erica tomorrow evening. Sigh... what a day... what a day!

The impossible blog to write!

2006-08-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

OK. So I've written and rewritten this blog a BILLION times. I just don't know how to say all that I want to say. Life is good right now; my only complaint is that this week was just so incredibly busy. I feel like I didn't even have a spare minute to process the billions of thoughts and emotions I had coming at me. I started my new job - it's good... lots of things to think about and process though. Not sure I want to say more until I've given it some time... have no fear, I'm sure I'll address this soon.

This week was such a mental battle regarding so much in my life. I think it climaxed in church this morning... as I sat listening to Dana's mom's (Lorna's) testimony I wept... for several reasons. Primarily; cuz God has seriously changed her life so much in this last year - hearing the healing and joy that she has experienced in these last few months was absolutely wonderful. Secondly; I wept at all the thoughts I had of areas in my life that I think I need to submit to Jesus. As the service wrapped up and the final song was sung, I prayed that I'd know how to wander back to him once more. Not that I've gone astray - in fact, I feel closer to God than I have in a long, long time... but it was moreso regarding the areas of my life that I've really tried to hold on to or that I've been unwilling to let Him work in.

I think in these last days as well, a large part of me has been focused on my heart and discovering how as a woman I am sensitive in so many ways that men aren't necessarily. Yesterday night as I drove out to Dalmeny to visit Tim while he was combining, I was once again struck at how I feel in this last couple months, God has really been molding my heart to become more and more "womanly..." I'm not even sure if this is something I want to share on here, but I think it's a part of what I'm learning, and so I shall... but seriously, it's weird to see a softening in my heart and a desire to be gentle and open with my sensitivities has begun. Before, I used to really think that I had to hide my sensitive spirit, or always put on my "brave face." I guess in a way, I feel as though I am maturing... but not just maturing maturing - I feel I'm becoming this woman. It's freaky in some ways, but excited me in others. All I know is I am excited to be this gentle, yet bold woman who firmly knows and believes that Jesus loves me immensely... that I am cherished by him and that he does have beautiful things in store for me and the old heartski.

To write this on here, I feel a little bit naked - like I'm exposing a part of me that people don't normally see. But I think it's good, it's OK. It's necessary...

Things I Been Thinking Bout....

2006-08-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

Welp; I've been at sport camps out at Bethany for this last week... it's been interesting. I was the speaker for the last week, and will be doing the same for next week. it's been really challenging actually. You think it looks so easy and it's really quite easy to criticize a sermon or a session. But then you're up there, and all you want is for your thoughts to somehow make sense to those listening. My repeated prayer has simply been that God can use my words and seriously speak into the minds of those campers, because I feel so inadequate to make it make sense.

Dana and I had a heinous good God talk last night. Two main ideas came out of it: one; hokie pick that we believers would behave in the world what we claim to believe. If we all just lived different lives - imagine the impact we could truly have on this world. And secondly; how minx and amazing is it that God works in our lives; blessing, teaching, loving, BEING. Dang.

Lebanon. Seriously; I was there in 2000 for my Grade 12 soccer finals and everytime I think about the whole Israel-Lebanon thing I wonder if my host family is OK; they were WONDERFUL people!!! I wonder how the streets that I walked in with my friends are still in one piece. I wonder if the words on the front of one of the hotels we saw are still there; "Finally the day will come when they see, we are all one." I wonder. I wonder.

Life is good people. As I've been speaking at camp on this idea of seizing each moment; of living life to the fullest, of going non-stop after Godly attributes I've been challenged in how I live... I honestly desire to live this life. Can you imagine the day it all ends; being able to look back and say, "dang, I'm glad I took that risk, loved that person, praised God for that weird little blessing..."

I enjoy these days. Pray for me as I'm speaking again this next week; I'm nervous, but excited! Praise be. God is good!

Needing a good vent-o Session!

2006-08-14T00:27:00.000-07:00

Anyhoo; today I found myself frustrated with my fellow brothers and sisters... at the Claw, a group of people who had OBVIOUSLY just come from church came in, and one woman in particular treated their server, my friend Fiorella, with particular disdain. Can I express how frustrated I am????? Holy toledo people - do you think you aren't preaching the gospel wherever you go 24/7...??? Let me tell you how it is in the service industry. Quite frankly, everyone I work with hates working Sundays. Hates. It is impossible to get rid of a Sunday shift - no one else will take it. Do you want to know why?

"The churchies" as they call us.

I am so very frustrated right now. Can you imagine if the millions of people who attend church each Sunday all across the globe actually left the pews afterwards and put what they'd heard into action? HONESTLY people; can you imagine the difference we could make on this world??? Am I right to be so frustrated? Probably not; we all have misrepresented our Jesus and the core of the Gospel and God's love many many times; me to be included in that...

However, I do feel as though today was a reminder to myself that I am an example 24/7... I cannot be "Jesus-like" when it suits me, 24/7 He is within me, 24/7 God's love that He has shown me that I might show others is within me. I am soooo far from this, but today was another realization of my desire to change that and to challenge others to do the same.

Rudeness, pissy-ness, and the like have no place in our expressions towards others. "Shine Jesus Shine..." Seriously; consider ourselves confronted - Jesus is here now; what difference has he made in your life? Shouldn't we all be showing that to those who have yet to discover the wealth of love and forgiveness he offers?

PS: Continue reading the next post, as it is very relavent and recent as well; this just needed expression...

The End of a Something...

2006-08-12T23:38:00.000-07:00

Red Lobster - "The Claw" - as it were. Yes, it is true. I have relinquished my position within Darden Restaurants Ltd. The time I spent at The Claw was really quite awesome people. I would be lying to say there weren't moments of greatness, tears, frustration and joy. I love love love love love showing the children lobsters, I totally enjoy a bunch of my co-workers; they have come to be quite dear, and more than anything, I love being in the world. There were many aspects I absolutely detested, and often I marvel at the daily trials and tests on my patience, endurance, potty mouth, and other assorted elements of working in the service industry. I have been treated shoddily by both guest and company, but I have also been blessed in blessing others. Am I sad to be leaving? Yes and No. Yes for the people I will leave there, no for what is ahead of me... yes because I worry I am abandoning a part of being in the world, and no because I detest the organization of that restaurant... Ah, my roller coaster heart!

What do I move on to? Welp; hienous good news! I got a job with Global Gathering Place, which is a non-profit organization working with refugees and immigrants here in S'toon. Basically it's my dream job, and when I know more about what exactly I"ll be doing, I'll let you know - I start the 29th!

Other news; life here at Appleby Drive is NUTSSSS lately! Please be praying for both Dana and I, and especially for this community. Dana is running her Chalo groups (refugee short term learning and observance opportunity) for a youth group from Coaldale this week and next week one from Altona, MB... I am speaking out at Bethany Sport Camps for the next two weeks and quite frankly; something weird is in the air around here. These last two nights have been filled with shouting and craziness in the streets and as freaky deaky as it sounds, I wonder what spiritually is going on. Please pray; for the youth groups, for Dana (strength, energy and time to accomplish everything) for me (wisdom, direction, peace) and for the people that live here in our community (refugees, the poor, our managers, the children).

Oh that the joy in my heart and the hope for the future could be stretched to cover all the dreams I hold within me! May you all feel a bit of His peace and rest today. Do something that He would do today; love someone a little deeper, speak a word of kindness, sit by a friend and listen to their heart... may we all continue learning together and becoming more sensitive (in a positive manner!) together.

Update!

2006-08-03T09:13:00.001-07:00

So; crazy long time, I know. It's just that life in these days has been rather occupied with some awesome goods! Last week, Amy Dana and I headed off on Vay Kay 06 - and had an amazing (at least in my mind) time... Edmonton and Valleyview were uniquely surprised and pleased by our whirlwind tour of my childhood... I offer the following photos from our journey to amuse and delight...

Dana and Amy and the horse...

Mom and I....

Us after tooooo much driving!

Scratch tickets with my mom at the Esso truck stop - Booyeah!

Aside from Vay Kay 06 goodness, I have been working again... man, was it nice to have a break from the Claw. Don't get me wrong - I so very muchly enjoy everyone that I work with... however, I must say that I am not so pleased with having the whole "my life is ruled by shiftwork" thing going on. More and more, as stuff comes into my life I am feeling confused at how to balance it all - Appleby Drive, work, Dana and intentional community, work... holy toledo days are full and I just don't know how to go about it all.

However, on a different note; can I talk about how cool it is to feel so complete and so good in where I am in life? Shoot. I am blessed - there is no denying God's goodness in my life. His goodness isn't marked by what is good in my life or what I am blessed in, but by the fact that this peace in my belly is deeper than anything I've known in quite some time. Good things come in this life - when it feels like there is no good, my encouragement would be to keep hoping. These last few months have been a time of crying out to Him about the things I haven't been able to understand. While I still can't understand why He works the way He does, I know that I am glad I faced the challenges with an open heart and went before Him with that open heart, those hard questions, and the many tears.

Oh yeah; I forgot! I bought a new car (Err.... I mean, truck - sorry Tim!); here's a pic

Seriously; isn't is HOT!? Genevieve the Jeep say HELLO to the world!

Peace to all out there! Sorry it's been so long, but have no fear - I am not, indeed, dead.

Pictures...

2006-07-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

The following are some photos I took while I was out on a photo taking expedition with my friend Yeni (Jenny)... I had a really good time a couple weeks ago just discovering Saskatoon with her. Funny how differently you see the world through the eyes of someone else. We had a really good talk about her first impressions here and how she first felt when arriving from Colombia. Man, I love my life...

My Dream for Today

2006-07-19T12:56:00.000-07:00

Today I wish that children around the world were being held in the loving arms of a parent...

Last night was possibly the worst night of my life... I have dealt with a lot of stuff personally; but nothing shakes me like the feeling of being powerless to protect another child. At 11:30 last night, a 14 year old girl from within our community showed up below our balcony calling our for Dana. Dana wasn't home, so I went down and let her in. Cheeks tear stained, shaking and cold I let this dear girl - a child - in to my apartment to listen to her tell me that her mother had kicked her out of their house because she came home too late. We talked for awhile, I tried distracting her by asking her about Canada and what she loves here and how she feels about her brothers and sisters... and eventually, I had to take her back home. I felt powerless in knowing what to do. Should I have just let her stay and not let her family know where she was? Did I do the right thing by taking her home and talking with her mother? I do not know, and today am plagued with guilt and self-doubt. There was more to her story that weighs on my heart and I do not know what to do with it - more and more I am becoming outraged by the treatment of children within our society... listening to Josh Groban sing about "...just believe..." on Yahoo music right now makes me think of all the over and under privileged children existing within our society - right in our midst children are suffering. Imagine around the world the treatment of children. Imagine being able to just believe and have life be better - for some kids, hope is a joke - they are trapped in families where they feel completely unloved and where they view running away or even being dead as greater alternatives than staying. I once was there - praise the LORD that He has changed my heart and my life. I am comstantly reminded lately of the gift of life being the very, very greatest gift He has given us all. What a reminder that was last night, but what a shock and discouragement at the same time. I am dying inside wishing I could make this world better for them and feeling like I can do nothing. Kids Club is one step... one step. Oh man how I wish I knew the answers to these things! Baby steps. I desire to effect change in the world around me. People unite, let us pray for and be ministers of peace in this world, lest we destroy the greatest gift the Lord has ever given anyone: LIFE.

Fun Picture!

2006-07-14T08:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks Karis and Joeline! Keep reading below, cuz there is an actual post, but I wanted to share a bit of Red Claw goodness with you all... yay for work...

My Friends Named Nelson

2006-07-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us... And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ( -Nelson Mandella)

Blog hopping tonight, and came across this quote on some random dudes blog... it's crazzzzy how many people are out there! But more importantly, this quote... geez man - soooo true! As anyone who reads this blog should know, I have been on a bit of a quest for myself en estos dias, and I am learning more and more that I actually desire to believe in myself more than I do... I have been realizing how much I have let disappointments in life beat me into submission, and compromise who I am and what I believe about myself. If life tells you enough times that you are stupid, fat, worthless, unlovable, etc. eventually, whether you desire to believe it or not, you begin to do that very thing: believe the lies.

Although many out there would say I am perhaps a bit overconfident, the truth is the very opposite is my reality. In my head I believe I will never amount to anything... and the truth is, is that although people have assured me of my "giftedness," I often have shrugged those assurances aside to rest on my doubts... however I think I have shrunk back because of the fear that what if they are right... I am tired of submitting myself to myself only to make others feel better.

The truth of the matter is: I love life here at Appleby, and I love living with Dana Fern Barrand, and sometimes I marvel at what exactly God is doing here. Quite frankly, I know it's nothing I am doing because my attitude and energy levels sometimes just aren't quite there... the truth of the matter is, I know I should be applying myself for better jobs, but I have shrunk back out of this idea that "I could never do it..." or in some twisted way, I have made myself believe that I will only ever work customer service jobs - NOT that there is ANYTHING wrong with that - but why can't I apply for a job with an actual organization and see if I get it or not? What is there to fear but my fear itself... I think I could do OK in a job working with human development/encouragement/something...

Who am I? I asked that question of myself several blog posts ago... and I think today I felt a piece of it - I am a confident young woman, I desire to be happy in life, and not get bogged down in my disappointments... I want to look at life with excitement and live it to the fullest... I don't want to look to the things around me to find satisfaction or fulfillment, but I do want to tackle the new things that come my way. I want to work my way up the mountains, even if it means descending into the valleys - I think that the view offers a lot going both directions? I say that now, but I hope I always mean it. Furthermore, I am a very sensitive person - I don't like when others' attitudes/disposition affects me, and I don't like thinking that my own attitude/disposition might negatively affect someone else. I want to see the beauty in all things, all people, all instances...

Like the blurry rainbow that disappeared into the dark, dark clouds tonight... that is what I want this life to be about - even when it gets dark in the middle, that rainbow always has to shine on the other side... hot dog I am learning so crazy much!

The heart of the Matter...

2006-07-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

As I sit here tonight thinking that I need to post because it's been awhile, I am drawing a tid bit of a blank. Not sure what to say exactly. WEIRD! Today was a weird day... I woke up feeling like poop. I haven't been feeling well lately, and today was no different - not fun when I had to open at the Claw this morning. Anyway, I dragged myself out of bed, and headed off to work... work that I have SUCH a love-hate relationship with! I went out with a friend yesterday and rattled on excessively about how much I hate serving at the Claw, but then today I had such a good day with the other girls that I liked it again... it's so weird how pliable my emotions are. I would compare myself to a bouncey ball actually. One day, one minute I am strong, feel great, feel confident in life and living it and all that comes with that, and the next I am dissatisfied and feel there is such room for improvement. Honestly though, at the end of the day, life is just so very sweet and good. Dana and I went for a walk around the neighbourhood tonight, and with complete sincerity of my heart, there is no better feeling in this entire world than having one of these kids run up to you screaming your name, describing what they are doing (which often involves very, very random activities... ie, pouring water into a bread bag. Why? Why not... there is a puddle, there is a bag, let's put said water in said bag and call it a pie???? OK kids...), jumping up so high they practically hit your neck with their little skinny legs. What on earth does this life have in store for me?? Goodness gracious, I just do not know! Ahhhh life... how I wish I could figure you out, yet how I soooo love living you with all the randomness you bring with you!

I am a Murderer.

2006-07-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

Yes people; it is true... I have killed my first. And the guilt that weighs upon my shoulders is vicious. VICIOUS. Poor little guy didn't even see it coming - alas, it is gopher season, and the poor little jaspers just want to frollick in the countryside. Unfortunately for me, today that little guy wanted to play with my tires, and I'm not gonna lie - I yelled and had to fight the instinct to swerve into oncoming traffic in avoiding my furry little friend. As I watched his body tumbling down the highway after me, I couldn't help but be saddened. Now, I know it's a gopher (not a hedgehog hehe... inside joke, sorry) and not a human being or anything crazy like that, but let us think on this another way.

No one cares about the gophers, cuz they are just one in a million right? Well, lately I've been feeling that way about the people here in Appleby Drive - no one really cares about them because they are just one in a million. No way of helping them, no way of helping the millions of refugees around the world, so easier just to pretend they don't exist, or easier to remain unknowing about the needs in our society. Today in church I found it almost frustrating to once again hear a sermon on not becoming comfortable in the middle ground, happy, easy path of life. So often I find myself drawn there, but today I am reminded again of the need to help that one person in whatever way I can. I am reminded that I want to (ultimately) live a different life. Dana and I are here for now... but even so, I can not imagine moving away from here. I think I would feel like I was turning my back on the gophers that are needing to be seen...

I was even thinking globally on this the other day with all that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have done for bringing attention to the refugee needs around the world. How crazy is it that in all of Hollywood, of all the money that there is just floating around, only one couple is doing anything with their time and money to make change happen. Hmmm... not sure this is making sense or that my point - which I am not stating to guilt or cause chagrin or anger towards myself - is coming across. However, think on it - be open to learning, be open to being real with yourself. And finally, watch out for those innocent little gophers... they need love too! Hehehe...

Picture This...

2006-06-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

Feet hanging in the water on either side of the canoe as you drift with the current back towards the dock after a hard paddle upstream; watching the pink-ish, purple-ish clouds drift by as the final shards of sunlight light up the river... having a muskrat swim by and nibble on some green foliage by the river bank... gazing up at the mansions on the bank and imagining a sunset barbeque followed by a nice paddle on the river...

Man oh man, this canoeing business is gonna be sweet people! After kids club SJ, Colin, Tyrell and myself headed for the boathouse and evening #2 of being a member of the Saskatoon Canoe Club equalled the goodness of night #1. The peace I feel in my heart when I am drifting on that river is unlike anything else. I had dinner with Karis tonight and we talked about doing the things that can give us joy - simple things - not denying the simplicity of wanting something. I think there is a line to be careful of where we begin saying "I want this..." "I want that..." in a selfish, unglorifying way... but then there is a place we can come to where we can say with honesty; "This is a desire of my heart and would give me a lot of joy..." wherein we can launch out, try new things, be bold and speak our hearts in seeking joy from life. Tonight was a piece of that... I am so glad we went to the river for that canoe ride... I am hoping we go again.

There is no denying that there is a sadness in my heart this year - it's a weird feeling that I haven't been able to shake for a while now. But at the same time that there is a that sadness there is this yearning for moments of peace like I had tonight. I know I can't always seek those moments in my external circumstances, and perhaps I could even say that is part of what got me into this mess in the first place, but I can say with complete confidence that I am learning grand lessons... lessons like it is OK to do the things that can bring joy - being around those I love, meeting new people, figuring out who I am, becoming my confident old self again, speaking truthfully about all things (please not I said lessons I am learning, no way am I trying to say I've achieved any of these things yet...)...

Taking it inward, upward - like I've said before, there continues to be room in my heart for God to move, for Him to tear down walls... when will this come? I don't know... slowly but surely perhaps is the answer. Perhaps He is doing this in my river moments, in the quiet nights when I lay awake unable to sleep or when I'm holding some precious, beautiful child in my arms.

Tonight I had a water fight with those beautiful kids and man - the ability to inspire laughter and joy in their squeals and screeches... 11:26 pm and I must bake my raspberry/apple crisp while it is cool enough in the apartment not to suffocate. Anyone up for a paddle up the river? Call me!

Adventures in being a Cell Phone Owner!

2006-06-27T22:06:00.000-07:00

Dana and I have officially launched out into the world of being cell phone owners. Let me tell you people; we are stoked. There's nothing like chillaxin on the couch and trying to figure out how to upload a picture of whoever it is that is calling me onto their name... so much fun! If you call me, not only do I see your name/number, but also your picture! I love my phone! I decided to share the excitment of our phone buying process by posting this picture for you all: just click the question mark:

Hmmm... on to other news of today! Tonight me, Sarah Jane, Amy and Shannon went canoeing. Yes, it is true... I am officially a member of the Saskatoon Canoeing Club where I may go canoeing at any given time that I like. I am extremely pumped about this because I love canoeing... since my days with dear Caitlin FRY-ZEN, teaching canoeing to the children at Redberry for 6 weeks in the summer of '01 I have missed a good paddle out on the water. Oh FRY-ZEN... if you ever read this, and ever come to visit we are so going canoeing! Portage anyone? I'm also extremely interested in some of the organized trips that you can go on... I'm thinking the PA trip in October is a most likely event I'll get in on... they have a La Ronge trip in August that I would kill to go on, but I'm sure the price in the end would just be tooooo much! Ah money - how I despise thee!
Next little tidbit of news; I have accepted a position at Bethany starting this next month. Yes, yes... the lifer returns for one more go-around. However - this time I will be in the position of Youth Advance Co-Chair with Lisa Braun. I'm pretty pumped about this... nervous already as the size of the task ahead seems a bit much, but the excitement beats any nerves I might feel.
Alas, a day that started out kinda gross and moody has turned out to be quite swell in the end... mellowin out on the river with my friends was just what I needed and I rest tonight with the knowledge that sometimes it works out in the end. If anyone in the area is up for a trip up the river, you just let me know, cuz I can take friends along sometimes... seriously sweet deal friends!

Tired and Sun burned...

2006-06-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

So - all I can hear right now is the sound of the kids outside yelling over and over and over again: "DANA!" "DANA!" "DANA!" I am in the apartment because I get to go to work later... booyeah.

That is as far as I made blogging the other day. Dana and I had the garage sale to raise some money for Kid's Club with all the stuff that people just leave behind (quite sad actually) and managed to rustle up a fair bit of dinero; but let me tell you. After a hot hot hot day in the sun with a bunch of screaming, not wanting to listen children running all over the place we were fried. However, I feel rested and ready to take on the world again - with my extremely burned shoulders that hurt whenever I touch anything and all. Stupid sun - you are my enemy.

On to other life events, I am feeling good today. Dana and I are going to get cell phones this afternoon which I feel should boost my popularity and therefore number of friends tenfold. Afterwards I will go back to work to finish off my split shift for this day. Red Claw goodness - yep, work has been really quite good these days... it helps that the tips this weekend were lucious, but in general I am feeling more like I can handle the serving aspect of it. Initially, I totally thought I couldn't do it. There are still days when I come home exhausted and feeling like a big boob because of stupid mistakes (here's hoping I don't spill an ENTIRE pop on someone again - oh yes, yes I've done it once people!)... yet those days are getting further and further apart. Tip well my friends; tip well - you have no idea how much work your servers really do!

I think I am going canoeing tomorrow. As I've written before I want adventure in my life, nad so whhen SJ called and suggested we actually go canoeing like we've talked about so often, and that I had the night off, I decided to heck with sitting on my couch - I'm going canoeing! Rather pumped.

Sigh. I have nothing deep or thoughtful to say right now, it's all in there, and I've been thinking about how to express the depth of what I have been thinking lately, but I just don't have the words. Certainly I can say that in a nutshell I feel very walled in right now. How to go on to further express that will have to wait. But maybe next time folks! Peace and blessings on you all... here's a funny picture I thought I might share. Ugh, nevermind... Dana - we need a digital camera eh?

Thoughts of Late!

2006-06-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been almost a week since I last posted - time is flying by! I've had several thoughts of late... some deeper than others, however thoughts none the less.

Thought #1: Life is so so very uncertain. I've been discussing some possible future options for employment and the question came up of how long I would be willing to commit. I couldn't answer because I honestly do not know. How weird and uncomfortable a thought : I have NO idea what I am doing with my life. For now, I know I am here, and I am so OK with that because I absolutely adore this life here at Appleby Drive. How I wish daily living could be my full time job... oh the beauty and work that exist here!

Thought #2: Perhaps this isn't a thought to put here... BUT. In being involved within a secular environment with my Red Claw work, I've been pondering how weird it would be to explain to someone that I couldn't see them on a "deeper" level because of my faith. How would that go over? What would they think? How can I help those around me to understand? I went to a house party last weekend, and one of the first things (no no, the very first thing) someone said to me after I walked in was; "Erica, what are you doing here - I thought you were all religious?"

Thought #3: Why do I not have more friends? And how do I go about making them? I am gradually getting to know Red Claw people, but the social aspect there usually involves parties or partying, which I am fine with attending, but which gets difficult when I never get loaded with them all... If I want a larger Christian group of friends, how do I find them? I'm not cool with the whole "singles" nights that go under the name "College and Career" at most of our fine established congregations, so what do I do? Get over it? I don't know people... I just don't know.

Thought #4: I'm hungry, and am too lazy to cook. I'm discovering how very muchly I love love cooking... the other night I made 'Bruschetta and Cheeze stuffed Chicken Breasts' with Jasmine Rice. Let me tell you people; it was dang good. I've been thinking about going to Kelsey to further study cooking... should I or shouldn't I? I don't know... I'm sending in the application though, and because they're accepting students for 2007, I don't have to worry about it for another year.

Thought #5: This is ridiculously long-winded... and so, I shall go now. Thanks for coming out and listening! COMMENT - even just to say 'Hi, I check your blog...'

Photos Depicting the Last Blog... #1!

2006-06-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

Gertrude!

2006-06-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

I'm ready for it to be sunny out; but hopefully the sun will come out on Tuesday and Wednesday when I don't have to be inside a stuffy old boat of a restaurant... I want to BREATHE fresh air and feel the sun on the ole face-ski... Ah people, these last couple days have been really good. The other night Dana, Carly and I went to this fair/carnival thing that is in the Wal-Mart (Confed) parking lot and just had the funnest, funnest time - Dana took a bunch of pics and I took my turn with the camera while Dana and Carly attempted the weird bike challenge thing. That is one trippy bike. I will post some pics when we get them on a CD. Then we came back to the apartments and I got a turn taking some pics of the kids with Dana's sweet-ace camera. I wish I knew how to take better pictures, but I gotta say it was so much fun trying to capture the joy/excitement/craziness of these kids on film... to have a fast finger to capture their laughter, or to know when the solemn, serious pout is about to come - ah, the joys of living here. How I relish in little *Gertrude* sitting on my lap, spitting all over me with her p's, t's, s's... seriously, the girl has a drool problem. I always joke with her about it and she does this very serious, hard effort sucking in of all the spit in her mouth thing - it is so cute. I never thought I'd be OK with having some kids spittle all over me, but you know I just love it. As we settle in more and more it is so cool to get to know the people around us - sometimes when we talk abotu this place to others, they are surprised that we know the woman in 102, or the family down the hall or the Sudanese family downstairs, but seriously, here it just seems so natural... get to know the people around you! The blessings and joy that come from a friendly conversation or a hello in the hallways is awesome. In terms of my last writing, I continue on my quest for me - and I think a piece of that puzzle lies here in Appleby Drive; loving the people around me, oh the adventures!

Who Am I?

2006-06-13T23:42:00.000-07:00

I Am...
... a girl who never really had a childhood...
... who has never really felt loved by anyone,
... who longs to love others so much it hurts;
... a bright personality...
... a quiet soul (believe it or not)!
... someone who just wants to be.

How do I begin describing how I feel inside today? These last couple days have been about respecting myself and about listening to my own words - letting go of some things in my life that were slowing my steps a little. Who Am I? I don't fully know the answer to this question... I know that I am someone that everyone thinks is happy and carefree; someone who loves to laugh and enjoys people. A woman of joy, strength, determination... blah blah blah... what I wish people could see in me is that there is a depth beyond a good laugh or beyond making other people happy. Somedays I want to weep in thinking about my life (don't get me wrong, somedays I would love to rejoice over all of the blessings...) but do not steal away my right to grieve those things which haven't been all that great.

More than anything in all of this world something I LONG for in my innermost reaches is for a family of my own... I have this ache inside of me recently for a daughter of my own to love love love like there is no tomorrow; I have this ache to have a partner by my side supporting me in my joyous, light, bubbly moments and also in my sorrow-filled, heart-ache moments... I am a woman, and the two go hand in hand. In terms of living life I truly do desire to love others, but somedays I just wish love didn't bite back when I want it to just go with the flow.

A friend the other day gave me this chapter to read that is "basically awesome," and which describes where I'm coming from to perfection (it's a tid bit long, but stick with me...):

"Many of you have looked for Godot, or some facsimile, elsewhere in this particular place. you have looked for it in the grade on the last page of that art history paper, in the grad school acceptance letters, in the laughter of your friends, in the smile of some nice man or woman. What passed for your life was often a search for outside validation. Law school or a museum internshipw oudl save you, or love or romance or sex [shocking I know], or a poem published in a magazine, a painting hung at a show.

"But one edition of a magazine has a way of giving way to another, and course grades come and go, and occasionally, very occasionally, a lover who shoudl know better will nonetheless dump you. The prizes arrive, but soon they are dusty, and then waht do you have?

"You better have you. The real you, the authentic examined self, not some patchwork collection of affections and expectations, mores and mannerisms... your life belongs in full to you and you alone. Do not cede it to anyone else, no matter how loving or well intentioned."
~ Anna Quindlen, "Oh Godot"

Now, I know as a Christian I know that my life in fact does not belong to "mi mismo" (myself, but in Spanish much more meaningful for some reason...) and that it does in fact belong to God... however, that said I am on a quest to figure out Who I exactly Am... and maybe I do already have an idea of who I am, but now I need to be comfortable with that - no more giving up pieces of me for other people; I long to be OK with the two sides of me - love me when I'm laughing, but don't forget to love me when the tears come... they're a big part of me too!

Serving and Emotions

2006-06-05T21:03:00.000-07:00

So. These days at the Red Claw have been really interesting. Serving is not at all what I thought it would be... well, for the most part. I was so excited to just bless people and send them on their way thinking "man that was a nice server..." but in all reality, it is soooo much busier than I thought it would be. Sometimes when I have 4 tables all needing something at once I just want to give up and sit down and cry. Often I stop myself from doing this very thing, yet then there are the times that I am not able to not cry - especially when I've just had the rudest customer ever. This brings to light another thought... why on earth would you be rude to someone just because you can? I hope that to all who read this you think twice about how you treat the people serving you in restaurants, grocery stores, gas stations, etcetera... don't get me wrong. I like my job when it goes my way... the money is good, I like my co-workers, it's not bad. I just want to be better at what I do... sometimes I'll get lucky and someone will notice my dimple and it'll open a door to talk or I'll get a table full of drunk people and I can send the manager by to make sure they're getting home OK... when they tease me about ratting on them, I can be sincere in assuring them I just want them to be safe and get home OK. There are chances when I can stop being the server and be a real human to people - what I long for is the knowledge of how to integrate the two. As Dana and I have been discussing life, which for me often revolves around my work I have come to realize why I do the things I do and why I live the way I do. All in all it comes down to one thing - I love people. I love love love human beings. When they don't seem to love me in return (aka rude customers) sometimes I feel like a piece of me dies a little bit, and I just have to sit and lick the wound that causes before getting back into the rat race of love. Often I am just so full of emotions and thoughts about people and life with people that I feel overwhelmed by the entirety of it. Not sure these ramblings are making any sense: LOVE. Big word, often found in little actions. How can we proclaim Christ more through our day to day actions. I, for one, would like to stop swearing at traffic. There you have it - right out there, I swear in traffic; not exactly loving those around me... it's gotta stop. Secondly, not feeling angry with those customers who are rude to me... Thirdly; go downstairs and play with the children even when my feet are aching and all I desire is a Pepsi and a remote in my hand. Fourthly; I don't know, but I'll keep thinking!

For now.

2006-06-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

This will do. I am tired of trying to fix this silly blog. I am tired of looking for templates, of trying to create templates of thinking about templates. I realize it is still ugly, but I'll work on it later. Yoghurt and granola are calling my name for breakfast. Enjoy your day!

I am Frustrated.

2006-06-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

Can you all tell me if this blog still looks nice to you all out there? It should have a blue-ish background with some pink designs and stuff? From my home computer all I see is gross blank garbage that looks garbage like. Also. I am watching Much Music right now and what on earth is Nelly Furtado doing?? She used to be all original and now her latest video totally looks like every other female artist's out there... trying to be all hip-hop/dance-like/hoochie whatever. A shame in my opinion. Anyway... some kid today stole my tip off a table... isn't that hilarious?? Who does that. It was 5 bucks, so whatever, but after a couple of mellow-er days it wasn't what I needed today - tips are to a server like crossing the finish line of a mother huge race is to a runner... the accomplishment, the finale of seeing a table out the door... no more refills, no more biscuits, no more being treated like poop... and then some kid steals my finale. Alright buddy - you are welcome to it. Anyhoo. We went grocery shopping tonight and now I feel completely a lot more relaxed than when I arrived at home. I don't have a single day off for the rest of this week and next. 2 straight weeks of having to work at one job or the other every single day. That also is not encouraging. Have I mentioned I've decided I am going to Disneyland? A few posts ago I mentioned discouragement about money/work/life minus adventure? Well... anyway, I've decided that regardless of debt/money worries I am going to go to Disneyland. I am saving my tips and they are going towards my first real vacation. Disneyland and San Diego for a week. I'm not sure I'll be able to resist seeing some manatees while I am down there though; and at the mention of manatees, I would suggest everyone visit the following Manatee

http://savethemanatee.org

website!

Some changes have occurred.

2006-05-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

Yet I think they are good ones. I am trying to get a new look to this here blog of mine. I'm changing these days; new thoughts are replacing old ways of thinking and feeling. I feel so full of emotions, thoughts and sometimes so full of emptiness in these days that the old look and feel of this blog needs to change. I am often proud that mine has been around for so long, and so I don't want to get a new one, and I still feel very much as if my life is just a continuation of something started long ago - obviously hey?! But still... so much is happening inside of me these days; I can't even express how full I feel. A friend and I were talking about cycles the other day; and how up and down we humans seem to be. I figure there are two ways I can look at that and life at present as I am stuck in the cycle of life... I can be discouraged by the fact that I am stuck in this sick-o cycle, or I can give up once more, recognizing that His grace has to be sufficient, because I have none to offer myself. There is room in my heart for God. There is room for Him to move in my life. There is room for Him to bring thoughts of refreshment, hope and love... speaking on that, to be random... I had this idea today on why exactly I love. If it's so hard for me (us?) to understand God's love for us personally, we should be that example for Him... be physical, tangible evidence of Him. I know this seems so basic and duh-like, but seriously today the thought about blew my head into little bits and pieces... and it was followed by this sadness that I just want someone to love love love me and show me that same love I want to show others. This isn't like some plea; "Love Me..." but it's a thought - "Love one another... this is how we know God's love, if we love one another..." MIND BLOWING people!!! Tonight at work that was all I wanted to do - love love love people and love them into wondering if I am cracked. I am cracked indeed - oh let the change come, but let it not always hurt so much!

And the winner is...

2006-05-26T22:28:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Epp for providing the name; Anna Nalick for the song "Just Breathe." Seriously, you all need to hear it. (If you don't know what I'm talking about read a couple blogs ago). Anyway... on to my thoughts.

Tonight I was once again at the river and was just chatting it up with a friend, and I realized that I want an adventure - I want to live out a dream... maybe take a canoe trip sometime or go white water rafting... or I would LOVE to go to Disneyland sometime. I don't want to get lost in the mountain of debt I feel like I have (Booyeah 4th year of Bethany... grr....) and lose sight of the fact that there are opportunities to live and feel alive out there... yet at the same time I just feel so lost in the fact that this is life and that I need to give in to that knowledge; work, pay debt, work, pay debt. Guh. I hope there is more than that... or I hope I get outta this slump soon so that I can see there is more than that.

Once again it was gorgeous to be by the river; kind of a weird rain/drizzle thing happening, and dark, cloudy skies... lots of thoughts, lots of thoughts...! Have a good night, and remember: "Just Breathe..."

This time with Paula and Dana: A Photo Montage.

2006-05-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

My friend Paula (I lived with her family in Colombia) has been visiting S'toon over these last few days. I thought I should post some pictures we've taken while having a wee bit of some good times...

This one is Paula and I being all good lookin... but let's be honest; when it came down to it Dana, Paula and I really have had some funny funny moments: hence, the following:
The 3 of us together... Only to be fair, this is me at my studliest! Dana bein a stud! Paula being crazzzzy... she's so scary.

Tonight I felt like the Sky

2006-05-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night the sky was crazy; anyone in the area should know there was a rain/lightning thing going on, and as I drove home from another night at the Red Claw, I felt very expressed by what was happening in the clouds. Yesterday was a good day in general, worked at Stuperstore for 5 hours in the morning and had a lot of time to think/pray while I was there. Then I went to The Claw where a new bartender was being trained, so this is new bartender #2 - a good thing, now I can serve more... but I don't know, something there just set me off into one of my grumpy/annoyed moods and so I didn't really want to talk to anyone and just wanted to get outta there. Breaking an entire case of beer at the end of the night certainly didn't help my mood either, and so as I drove home, looking up at the sky as I so often do, I felt almost revealed by it. There were some very clear patches, a nice light blue with fluffy fluffy clouds and I felt like that part represents the part of me that often feels calm, or "Just Breathe"... but then there were really really dark parts, and I felt like that was the part of me that I saw last night, that would shut the world out to lick my wounds alone, the lightning felt like the flashes I get of goodness in the midst of the darkness; knowing God's goodness in different times, feeling a good feeling, recognizing where healing is taking place, being blessed by something Glenda says at work; that kind of thing. The wind was like how I feel I am constantly changing in these days; being blown and pushed to change and go deeper. I can't really express entirely how I felt - sometimes I am so moved by what I see in nature that I become completely overwhelmed by it. Sometimes what I see expresses so much better than words how I feel; like driving across the bridge and seeing the darkness reflected in the river, but all the lights from the city lighting the bridge up as well... something in that moves me deep inside - I wish I could explain what it is to recognize beautiful, but I can't - beautiful just is.

Tonight.

2006-05-18T22:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went for a walk by the river here in Saskatoon. Today I had some really wonderful talks with a wonderful lady about appreciating life for now and for what it is worth because life is too short to not enjoy it. There is so much beauty in the world around us and I long to have the eyes to see it. This is slowly happening again; and I am so overjoyed when I have days where I feel alive or like I can truly breathe. There is this new song on all the time at the Red Claw that is pretty much my mantra (no I have not converted, just a good expressive word...) The main part of the song is this girl singing "Just Breathe" over and over again. Sometimes as I am in the midst of feeling like I am messing everything up the song will play or sometimes as I am living out my life I hear it in my mind: Just Breathe.

* OK, so I tried to find the song so I could link it to my blog, but I can't find it - Dana tells me to tell you all to "just turn your radio on."

My Name is Erica and I'll be Helping you out today!

2006-05-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

That is what I am supposed to say in Step 2 of the "Big Four" at the Red Claw... so today was day TWO of training for my serving career... what do I think? Well, I have a headache (big shocker there...) my feet are el-ranko, and I think my wrist might shrivel up and fall off my body - leaving me with a floating hand. Actually, maybe the hand will burn off too cuz I touched too many freaking hot plates today... who knows really. Anyway, the short end of it all is that I absolutely loved my day, felt a little craaaazzzyyy every once in a while, and tomorrow I am on my own. But all in all, it was basically awesome...

Seriously; the training at these places leaves you feeling like you've been shoved through a blender and spit out. Alas; if I come home crying tomorrow it won't be a shocker because I cry all the time; about anything. Cheque bounces; cry. Home alone on a Friday night; cry. Ice cream gives you brain freeze; cry. Just kidding about the third one. But here's the thing people. I am learning about honesty. People often tell me I am already rather honest, but I wonder if it's possible for me to become even more honest. (Of course it is!) I am learning about this is the following ways; the other day a server got mad at me while I was hostessing (hostessing is the bane of my existence: BANNNEEEEE). For doing nothing - NOTHING - other than telling/asking her to pick up (serve) a table. Like, she was really angry with me; swearing, avoiding eye contact type angry. I in turn usually apologize a million times and become meek and try to win them over to my side by doing things exactly as they want them done. However, the other day I reached the brink of my patience and responded back in a way that would blow the socks off of everybody I ever went to Bethany with; or perhaps even normal, nice people. And you know, she took it - she listened to my response, and then apologized and now kinda has this weird respect thing going on. Would I talk to someone in church like I spoke to her? Heck no, however in the situation and considering the person, I think it was appropriate. It was honest. It was what I felt. Today I was worried I was bunking things up; so I asked and got an honest response. Joanne (my trainer) threatened me with a sharp kick to the ankles if I called customers "guys" one more time. It was an honest response; what she felt.

Sometimes as I lie in bed crying or thinking or "praying" I wonder if God is annoyed at me, or if He wants me to just get over it or stop whining. But then I think; would He rather I put on a fake smile for the world or that I was myself best I know how to be right now? I figure the latter works with Him. I wish I could say I am in some "Holy Place" where I am docile and serene before Him, but I'm not and I'm learning that it is OK... and it is OK to be real with people too; friends and family alike who read this; consider this an invitation - let's put aside the falseness that so often covers our lives and let's be real with one another - talk about what upsets you; be honest when someone has hurt you, laugh when you feel it in your belly and love like today will be the last day you get to love that person.

Carpe Diem. Booyeah!

Confuddled Thoughts...

2006-05-08T13:59:00.000-07:00

I feel like a little girl using a word like "confuddled" - who says that? I don't know... I figure if my Grandma can still sign letters "huggles and kisses," I can use the word confuddled in explaining my current state of being.

As I've been living these last weeks out I often marvel at my state of up and down-ness... going from feeling love and brightness one moment to confounding pain/confusion/anger the next. I don't speak about one circumstance or relationship or situation, (so please if you are reading this: it's not you... it's me, hehe) but all of them in general. I have never really been at this place of feeling quite so not myself... Life is not bad people. I am surrounded by good things: Appleby Drive, work, friends who love me... all of these are wonderful!!! Yet when I receive emails or talk with people who or that truly inspire me, I am left so discontented with myself. When the questions are posed: "are you living incarnationally among the unreached?" or when I am challenged about turning from a life of complaint to one of honesty/lament before God I feel like I am not meeting the bar.

There are people at work that I am mean to. Whether that is visibly or in my head does not matter - it is there none the less. Why is forgiveness coming so hard for some of the people in my life? Why do I feel these days like life is not fair? These are the thoughts that are bouncing around in my mind, most of which I do not want to have bouncing. A few weeks ago someone listened to me asking all of these questions and responded; "... sounds like you've lost your anchor..." No duh! I KNOW... I also know that I am at the point where I am tired of fighting for that anchor, tired of fighting for joy, tired of fighting life.... and so I give up. I guess I give up to the grace that I seem to have forgotten about. And, I guess I give up to you all - this is me... I mess up, a lot, often, brutally - so I guess as pat as this often sounds to me: pray for me if you read this.

I miss being the passionate girl who loved Jesus and lived that out in a joyous life. Pray that I could sense a newness to this life I am living. I don't wish to go back and be what I was, but I long to go forward and allow God to do what He would. Holy Spirit needs to come into my life anew... this is me, me truly - I can't be anything but that, even if it's hard for those around me to see... awhile ago, I asked that God would show me humility in life - and I guess He does answer prayers - I just need to stop whining about how He chooses to bring His answers about! From the bottom of my heart I love and appreciate all who read this blog, if I, in my pain or out of it, have hurt you along the way - I am sorry, there is no excuse, but now I guess it's my turn to ask the favour: pray.

The real contact info!

2006-05-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

Okay; so phone number: 249-0718
And the real addy: #307 - 710 Appleby Drive... whoops!

Anyway, no time left on the puter... call, drop by for a visit - we're there for your visits and calls =)

17 Minutes...

2006-04-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

Left on this computer and until Sarah Jane arrives (maybe?) at my apartment for lunch... this needs to be quick!

Three words:

I love work.

Last night my feet were so sore at the end of shift, and I loved the sensation... mind you, as I crawled into bed I thought to myself, self... this is nuts. But then I zonked right out and it was beautiful!

Also - relationships at work, much improved: patience is going strong... I am starting to understand some people better... all in all - good things are comings!

I cannot escape the Colombians. It is wonderful. Everyday that I arrive home, and they are outside playing, they come running... I love them so much. At any given time I have 1 to 5 children in the apartment, eating my food, asking me to give them things, hanging all over me, chilling on the patio... beautiful!!! However, getting them to leave sometimes is a bit of a challenge! Hehe...

Where do I live some people want to know?

Apartment 307 Building 714 Appleby Drive.
Phone number which will be coming to my apartment tomorrow; 652-2039. Don't call me till then, cuz I won't get it. However, feel free to call me there! Is this dangerous that I'm putting this online? I don't know... please don't stalk me if I don't know you!

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Mangoes...

2006-04-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

Are officially available people. I know this because I bought a bunch the other day - and they are basically the shizz. Oh yeah.

So I have been thinking lately - actually that is not true. I am in this super weird mood today. Like, I woke up and saw the gorgeousness of outside and wanted to be there. So that is what I am going to do today. Anything I can to be outside. Maybe later toss a ball around with some friends and just relax.

Last night at work was crazy heinous. Crazy heinous. I started the shift off by spilling this creamy milk-like pina colada mix down my leg. Then I got all sorts of mixes on myself, broke two glasses - one of which went into the ice bin, and finished it all off by telling off a co-worker. Not really, but I threatened him with pain if he didn't leave me alone... seriously, he was ticking me off.

This is all to say that as I was walking away from work, I have decided that I need to pray (and be prayed for) for patience with the people I work with that are the difficult ones. It is easy to spot when people are covering for insecurities or issues with "cool" characteristics: being liberal with the liquor, hoochie... all that stuff. Kinda sad to see, but moreso a challenge to be patient and loving even when those things start to grate on the nerves. There is this one server who actually is quite rude - the others don't seem to notice, but as I am this heinously oversensitive person actually is quite hurtful/confusing at times. As I left work I knew that I especially need to pray for Christ-like feelings toward her. I wonder what it is in her life that makes her so angry?

Anyway, keep these things in mind. Keep me in mind. Feel free to call, write, encourage in whatever way you may feel. And please, feel free to drop by the Red L - home of the claw... I'd love to mix you up a little something something... hehe...

Bogota - Part II

2006-04-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, so these days I feel like I am in my first week of being in Colombia again. It has been kind of weird actually. I walk around, doing my thing, and wonder inside if people can see that I am a different person today from last week. I started work yesterday and absolutely loved it! It was so weird to hear so many expletives and to be working in a bar, but really quite wonderful all at the same time.

I kind of felt like I was back home and that dad should be under a truck somewhere, with his usual stream of words that Bethany kids would die if they ever heard coming out from under the particular vehicle of choice. Alas, I was not surrounded by oil bins, tools, garbage and the weird assortment of shop stuff... instead it was liquor.

It was interesting that my trainers first words to me were (literally), "I hope you drink..." a little bit frightening actually. I was thinking to myself, "How do I get outta this one...?" Alas, it wasn't too difficult, small sips, pour down the sink before they see, all is well. Apparently my trainer tonight won't be so lenient - so this job could take a little bit of finesse on my part. Once I am trained, it's not such a big deal - it's the training where they expect you to know the product. Don't worry friends, esteemed Bethany people who desire me to be a decent, God-fearing Christian: I am not started on the road to sin and debauchery; all will be well.

That said, I am pumped to be living life. I have moments where I am really lonely and usually I have to get out of the house to beat them; but I am getting to know Saskatoon in a new way, and for the most part I am loving it. It is a little sad that I am alone; but usually these are the times when I learn the most about my character and God's character, so ultimately, I am OK with it. Besides which, jogs by the river can't possibly be a bad thing: dang I am a lucky person to be living this life!

1 hour & 10 min...

2006-04-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

Late. My partner in crime is late, and so I shall write. Things are wrapping up so quickly here at Bethany. Three days ago I couldn't wait to get outta this joint, and there are still aspects of me that are ready to move on. But last night, as I was packing up my room and sorting through things, I felt shocked at the sadness that suddenly came upon me. I think a part of it was realizing I am afraid of not being remembered; what if I leave here and the people I love from this place never think of me again? And, it's like these days signify the end of a lot of things for me, the end of an era, the end of studying, the end of a time of my life. It's weird and I am not sure yet how I will end up processing it all. I am excited to get started on this next phase of life as much as it means that this one is changing/ending. To those who read this who have been a part of my Bethany experience, thanks for some truly wonderful years... I wonder what is next?

3 NEWS: New job, New frustration, New Poem

2006-04-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

NEW #1:
New Job: Red Lobster - BARTENDING!!!! (Only for the first month, and then I move to serving... booyeah! This is amazing cuz I REALLY wanted to do this! Praise be!)

NEW #2:
New frustration: I know there is only one week, but today I hit yet another wall. I cannot handle the drama and immaturity around here today, and as a result I kinda had a something this afternoon; but honestly people. This is a real world, and I think here in this bubble sometimes we want a false response or we want people to respond the way we would have them. Interesting how in a community where truth is supposed to reign supreme no one ever wants it.

NEW #3:
New Poem: Written about no one, just a general feeling this came in response to these new frustrations, the following oozed from my pores;

He comes around
every night.
Ready to annoy:
Frustrating.
Like a sharp rock,
On my little toe.
He knocks away,
Banging my every nerve.
Drama. Drama.
The creep.
Won't leave me alone -
I am done!
Leave you fool;
Go far, far away.
Pick at me no more
I say -
I am done!
Take your drama;
Please, just run, run.
The creep;
I want you no more.

SuperStore

2006-04-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

So. I got a job. At SuperStore. How do I feel about this? Well, sometimes a bit embarrassed, cuz it's like I'm getting this degree, and going to work at SuperStore. BUT - this is my purpose in life right now! I am incredibly pumped about serving those who are having crappy days. I feel like it has been so long since I have been involved with the "real world" (I know, I know... Bethany is real... but let's be honest - no it's not) and so I am incredibly pumped to deal with people who will swear, drink, sleep around - all so that I can be a bit of a light again. I miss talking about God to someone who's never heard of His love or with people who don't get that I am happy without a lot of money, or that I'm happy working at SuperStore so that I can work on the side with refugees... I want to look people in the eye and ask em how their day is going, and I want to go home tired at the end of a shift from standing on my feet for too long.

By the way; Liz introduced me to some new music: go to carybrothers.com seriously amazing... his lyrics make me cry at this point in my life. But so good too.

Read down further if you want to see some more of my writing, it's getting buried, but it's there. I posted a new untitled poem. Kind of a personal-er one, but give er a go... lemme know what you all think.

TAG

2006-04-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

4 Jobs I've Had

1. Rogers Video
2. Admissions Counsellor - Bethany College
3. IGA
4. Valleyview Co-op

4 Shows/ Movies I've been addicted to, or like...

1. CSI
2. One Tree Hill
3. Amazing Race
4. Entertainment Tonight

4 Countries I'd Like to Visit

1. Mexico
2. Colombia
3. India
4. Cuba

4 Books I've enjoyed recently

1. Memoirs of a Geisha
2. I have no time for reading
3. I have no time for reading
4. I have no time for reading

4 People I look like

1. My mom (very, very scary thought)
2. Sandra Bullock
3. Charlize Theron
4. Angelina Jolie

Don't I just wish...

4 Things I'd like to do before I die

1. Have a child
2. See a manatee
3. Lean to play piano
4. Go to Disneyland

4 People I tag

1. Dana Barrand
2. Erica Ray
3. Dave Carey
4. Paula Reyes

Some New Writing...

2006-04-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd share some more with y'all...
Written April 1, 2 & 3rd...

Untitled

You love things beautiful -
Drawn by their light.
In your eyes it is me
For a moment
I am beautiful.
Come back my moment -
I long to be that still.
Alas, time and moments go on
Perhaps someone;
Will come to love this light.

Appleby Drive goodness continues to excite me, maybe I'll write about that next time... for now General Epistles last class is calling me; peace be upon you all!

Checking if Gmail is still dumb

2006-04-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

Are you still dumb?

Spring is in the Air People!

2006-03-24T08:27:00.000-08:00

<--- This is where I want to be right now.

Have I told anyone out there how much I am ready for winter to be over? As I am stuck here in the library, mindlessly (is this a good thing, probably not) writing papers that I am solely writing to get them done (once again, not a good thing) to finish my BA, I am wondering what on earth I am doing. Or perhaps the better question: why on earth am I doing it? I LOVE learning. I really, really do. What I hate is when I feel I am doing something that isn't applicable. Now, keep in mind that writing an exegetical on 1 John 4:7-21 probably is applicable because it's studying Scripture on a deeper level... but sometimes, I just don't know. When I look at my screen and all I see is outline waiting to be filled and my brain is empty - forcing myself to write just doesn't seem like something I want to do. So, yesterday, after staring at my computer for an entire day, trying to write... I went for a walk. I thought maybe some excercise/fresh air would stimulate the mind. Instead, I found myself walking on this lonely little piece of gravel road that was peeking up through the snow. I tried so hard to feel thorough the soles of my feet every pebble and rock and squishy piece of soil there was to feel. I LOVE summer... I love being warm, I love feeling the sun on my skin: perhaps that is part of what this inability to write is all about. I have felt so cooped up these last couple months. Is it wrong to look forward to summer as a time when I'll be able to breathe? I don't know... but I'm sure I'll be able to breathe a bit clearer then than I can in this stuffy old library. Booyeah Hermeneutics.

Twilight

2006-03-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

The following is a poem I wrote a couple nights ago while talking with one of the girls in the dorm. I was inspired by the depth of realness that tears are often wrought by. It is silly how we as a society have come to fear the release that accompanies tears; sometimes I am so debilitated by my own fear that I struggle with letting anyone see the outward expression of my inward emotions. The littlest things in life can inspire a tear: a child playing, a song, a kiss... I want to work at being more real with what I am feeling on the inside. And so, as afraid as I am that everyone out there will laugh at the ridiculousness of my writing, I offer this poem:

"Twilight"

Tears.
Gentle and Pure.
Oh, how sweet and soft;
To feel them kiss and caress the gentle curve of my cheek -
Love's painful gift.

Eyes shine so bright
As pools gather and glisten;
Twilight.

You are my inspiration...
Oh, little one.
Let them come. Let them come.
Be washed -
In the silver.

Feel beautiful. Feel
Tomorrow's sun will spring forth
Live it - live the life
Do not fear nature's kiss -
Let them come. Let them come.

Johari and Nohari

2006-03-02T16:43:00.000-08:00

I just went to Berto's site and did these test things for him and thought it would be cool to have people do the same for me. I am very curious to see what you all will say. It was most definitely hardest doing the Nohari, I felt bad saying weaknesses for someone else, but maybe that is how we learn... do these for me ok?

Johari Window
Nohari Window

I do not get why this doesn't seem to be working... does anyone have any ideas???

Happy 50th Blog Entry!

2006-02-20T05:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this weekend I was in Edmonton for Term Break (the one and only reason I haven't been around to answer your phone call Betty!) and will be going home today. I can not wait to be back in my room, with my music... somehow I thought I'd be funny and bring my old school CD case along. Not a good idea people - driving to old school Madonna and N'Sync - geh! While this has been a rather strange couple days here, some very good things have happened:

1) Liz drove the car... hilarious!
2) I rode a rollercoaster for the first time in my life!

3) I dyed my hair and it is stupid dark.
4) Liz and I both ate 2 big ace pieces of lemon meringue pie last night!
5) We are going to get sick McD's breakfast for the drive back.
6) We ate at this AMAZING Mexican/Salvadorian restaurante!
7) 4 hours wandering West Ed mocking all the Canadian Idol tryouters...
8) Mean Girls was most definitely watched!
9) Rented a Toyota Carolla - always a nice addition.
10) Posed for pics with Farley Flexx... oh yeah baby.
11) I tripped while posing in the penguin pic and ended up on my face.

12) Zombie Song was created on the way home - ask Liz and I for an example.

E-Town 06 is almost over... "fletch"... hehe... that was for you Lizzie.

The Sun Came Out Today!

2006-02-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

Okay... so I can most definitely handle +3 weather! Today the sun came out... and I love love love the sun. As I was driving through good ole S'toon this afternoon, I distinctly felt the heat of the sun on my face... and I loved it. There is something about the sun that always makes me feel like life is OK. It helps that I was just coming from a lunch with my friend Dana.

Life is looking up for this next year people; and that is because God is really releasing things in my life. This last little bit I have been processing and thinking and praying and so many good things have come out of it. After one of my mentoring times with Sherry I have had a question in mind: "Who is Jesus to me?" Often in times of hardship or struggle we turn to so many things/concepts/etc... depression, disillusionment, good ole alcohol, etc... instead maybe the question isn't "God what is wrong with this picture/me/You???" It should be: "Jesus who are you to me?" Or more specifically: "Jesus: What does your presence in my life make of this situation?"

As the sun was on my face today I distinctly was aware that God/Jesus/Spirit have really changed my life - for the better - and I should live with that knowledge at the forefront of my mind and life. What does that look like? I don't know... but as Dana and I converse about this next year - about experimenting in life and love and life and love (said twice on purpose...) and being Jesus in our surrounding environment - I get pumped. I get pumped to remember and to ponder who exactly Jesus is to me; and what I want that to look like to those around me.

Letting Go

2006-02-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

This last week has been an extremely interesting one. It's hard to write without saying too much - but some things in life that I thought were permanent have suddenly become not so permanent. I see now that it was wrong of me to cling to the things of this world that I thought I needed or that were a "sure" thing when really, all along, they weren't ever mine to need or be sure of. In this, God has spoken to my heart, in much the same way he did while I was preparing to leave for Colombia at this time last year. Last year, in my heart of hearts I was praying through and begging God to help me surrender everything to Him - hopes, fears, ambitions, people... I knew that I couldn't leave Canada still clinging onto those Canadian hopes and wants of mine. It was an intense time of feeling the intimacy with God and of knowing I was walking towards Him and with His heart. Since that time, I have obviously forgotten the lesson... it stinks that I have to relearn it in the hardness/pain of current life situations; but at the same time it doesn't stink at all. I think God desires us to release everything to Him - I know I personally am so tired of clutching everything so close that my muscles are tense from the effort... It's hard to trust God when everything in our lives seems to be changing. But if the lessons I learned in Colombia are anything to go on - hard that they may be - it is most definitely worth it. My prayer for myself as I walk through the hallways that life is taking me right now is that I can let go... and in letting go, that I can be released to be and do what God has for me.