| Monday, May 08, 2006 |
| Confuddled Thoughts... |
I feel like a little girl using a word like "confuddled" - who says that? I don't know... I figure if my Grandma can still sign letters "huggles and kisses," I can use the word confuddled in explaining my current state of being.
As I've been living these last weeks out I often marvel at my state of up and down-ness... going from feeling love and brightness one moment to confounding pain/confusion/anger the next. I don't speak about one circumstance or relationship or situation, (so please if you are reading this: it's not you... it's me, hehe) but all of them in general. I have never really been at this place of feeling quite so not myself... Life is not bad people. I am surrounded by good things: Appleby Drive, work, friends who love me... all of these are wonderful!!! Yet when I receive emails or talk with people who or that truly inspire me, I am left so discontented with myself. When the questions are posed: "are you living incarnationally among the unreached?" or when I am challenged about turning from a life of complaint to one of honesty/lament before God I feel like I am not meeting the bar.
There are people at work that I am mean to. Whether that is visibly or in my head does not matter - it is there none the less. Why is forgiveness coming so hard for some of the people in my life? Why do I feel these days like life is not fair? These are the thoughts that are bouncing around in my mind, most of which I do not want to have bouncing. A few weeks ago someone listened to me asking all of these questions and responded; "... sounds like you've lost your anchor..." No duh! I KNOW... I also know that I am at the point where I am tired of fighting for that anchor, tired of fighting for joy, tired of fighting life.... and so I give up. I guess I give up to the grace that I seem to have forgotten about. And, I guess I give up to you all - this is me... I mess up, a lot, often, brutally - so I guess as pat as this often sounds to me: pray for me if you read this.
I miss being the passionate girl who loved Jesus and lived that out in a joyous life. Pray that I could sense a newness to this life I am living. I don't wish to go back and be what I was, but I long to go forward and allow God to do what He would. Holy Spirit needs to come into my life anew... this is me, me truly - I can't be anything but that, even if it's hard for those around me to see... awhile ago, I asked that God would show me humility in life - and I guess He does answer prayers - I just need to stop whining about how He chooses to bring His answers about! From the bottom of my heart I love and appreciate all who read this blog, if I, in my pain or out of it, have hurt you along the way - I am sorry, there is no excuse, but now I guess it's my turn to ask the favour: pray. |
posted by Erica @ 1:59 p.m.  |
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| 4 Comments: |
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Erica...
As frustrating as this time in your life might seem...there is a lot of excitement in your struggle here. Perhaps God is challenging you to throw off everything you'd formed your Christianity to be and seek HIM. Pure and simple. HIM. Who says there's a formula or a certain way things should be? All He asks of you is to surrender. Not to behave a certain way or make certain choices. If you're surrendered then He'll do all that through you.
Let's chat soon, hey? (I left you a message this morning to call me.)
Lisa
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hey erica, thanks for your honesty, it good to hear that other people out there struggle with real life things.
i hope that all else is well with you in saskatoon.
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eri quiero llamarte pero a que hora estas en casa? he tratado no estabas, escuchaste mi mensaje???
Ok luego hablamos y que bueno que sera pronto.
Estoy orando por ti.
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"Restore unto me
the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit
within me."
I don't remember where this is found... but it was brought to mind a few days ago when I reflected upon my own apathetic state.
Of course I will pray for you.... I love you.
Amy
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Name: Erica
Home: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
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Erica...
As frustrating as this time in your life might seem...there is a lot of excitement in your struggle here. Perhaps God is challenging you to throw off everything you'd formed your Christianity to be and seek HIM. Pure and simple. HIM. Who says there's a formula or a certain way things should be? All He asks of you is to surrender. Not to behave a certain way or make certain choices. If you're surrendered then He'll do all that through you.
Let's chat soon, hey? (I left you a message this morning to call me.)
Lisa