| Tuesday, June 13, 2006 |
| Who Am I? |
I Am...
... a girl who never really had a childhood...
... who has never really felt loved by anyone,
... who longs to love others so much it hurts;
... a bright personality...
... a quiet soul (believe it or not)!
... someone who just wants to be.
How do I begin describing how I feel inside today? These last couple days have been about respecting myself and about listening to my own words - letting go of some things in my life that were slowing my steps a little. Who Am I? I don't fully know the answer to this question... I know that I am someone that everyone thinks is happy and carefree; someone who loves to laugh and enjoys people. A woman of joy, strength, determination... blah blah blah... what I wish people could see in me is that there is a depth beyond a good laugh or beyond making other people happy. Somedays I want to weep in thinking about my life (don't get me wrong, somedays I would love to rejoice over all of the blessings...) but do not steal away my right to grieve those things which haven't been all that great.
More than anything in all of this world something I LONG for in my innermost reaches is for a family of my own... I have this ache inside of me recently for a daughter of my own to love love love like there is no tomorrow; I have this ache to have a partner by my side supporting me in my joyous, light, bubbly moments and also in my sorrow-filled, heart-ache moments... I am a woman, and the two go hand in hand. In terms of living life I truly do desire to love others, but somedays I just wish love didn't bite back when I want it to just go with the flow.
A friend the other day gave me this chapter to read that is "basically awesome," and which describes where I'm coming from to perfection (it's a tid bit long, but stick with me...):
"Many of you have looked for Godot, or some facsimile, elsewhere in this particular place. you have looked for it in the grade on the last page of that art history paper, in the grad school acceptance letters, in the laughter of your friends, in the smile of some nice man or woman. What passed for your life was often a search for outside validation. Law school or a museum internshipw oudl save you, or love or romance or sex [shocking I know], or a poem published in a magazine, a painting hung at a show.
"But one edition of a magazine has a way of giving way to another, and course grades come and go, and occasionally, very occasionally, a lover who shoudl know better will nonetheless dump you. The prizes arrive, but soon they are dusty, and then waht do you have?
"You better have you. The real you, the authentic examined self, not some patchwork collection of affections and expectations, mores and mannerisms... your life belongs in full to you and you alone. Do not cede it to anyone else, no matter how loving or well intentioned."
~ Anna Quindlen, "Oh Godot"
Now, I know as a Christian I know that my life in fact does not belong to "mi mismo" (myself, but in Spanish much more meaningful for some reason...) and that it does in fact belong to God... however, that said I am on a quest to figure out Who I exactly Am... and maybe I do already have an idea of who I am, but now I need to be comfortable with that - no more giving up pieces of me for other people; I long to be OK with the two sides of me - love me when I'm laughing, but don't forget to love me when the tears come... they're a big part of me too! |
posted by Erica @ 11:42 p.m.  |
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| 9 Comments: |
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Oh sweet Erica... sweet, sweet Erica... these are some hard times. I'm excited aout your search for who you are... much love today...
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hey old line buddy.. thanks for being so honest and open, and not afraid to share with the world the 'real' you. And though you may not know exactly what that means right now, time and God will show you! Keep searching, and don't EVER be afraid to be just you!!;) (aka... both the good and rough times) luv ya!
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oh erica, i love you. you are a dear heart and i miss you.
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Dear sweet Gumpa
Tough stuff is good but still tough...
You love people as they are Erica and I just want you to know that I will love you; rain or shine any day ...
(Plus, you are the only person who I have spewed water on at three in the morning and still returns my phone calls - that is love!)
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Scams...thanks for being you. And for sharing. Good thoughts...honest thoughts. What a quest you are on - blessings as you learn more about who you are.
Love Sabs
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take one look
http://4nivel.blogspot.com/
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I love and miss you more than I could probably ever say in words Scamms...
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I like you so much...and by like i mean love...that and appreciate you. with the honesty and the craziness...you are quiet...and gentle
love you, 1/4
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Erica, I miss you so much... Can we go for coffee sometime and talk about life?
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Name: Erica
Home: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
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The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
Mother Teresa |
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Oh sweet Erica... sweet, sweet Erica... these are some hard times. I'm excited aout your search for who you are... much love today...