| Thursday, September 28, 2006 |
| Tonight I want to scream. |
Tonight I want to scream the words that I could barely choke out while sitting on Joan's couch a few years back. I remember the setting perfectly; sitting on the deep couch cushions that I had sat on so many times before; looking at the same colourful canvas on the opposite wall; with my feet up on the wood table in the center, staring at the assortment of candles and pebble thingies and vases that were always there: I want more. I want more of Jesus, I want more of life, I want more of me, I want to help other people...
The list could go on and on. I want to scream for freedom: freedom from oppression for all of the oppressed; freedom for the people who are much like me and feel trapped, alone, stuck inside our bodies, unable to love and be loved... GUH!@!##U@@(I@)O@(#@(#(#(. I want to scream for freedom from the judgements of others; ohhhhhh that we could seeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Man alive - think of the change we could create in this world if we stopped judging one another and just allowed each other to live! The unity that could exist in Creation if we got over ourselves!!!
Tonight I went and spoke on behalf of my new job - and afterwards they gave everyone time to sit around and socialize and stuff. I sat with this woman who literally did not speak any English. As I watched the tears gather in her eyes, as I watched her lips twitch out of longing to speak and as I grasped at her hand while I was speaking excitedly my wish/prayer/thought for that woman was that I could help ease her pain/loneliness/angst.
Realization numero uno: I am a helper... I desire to help people all the time - I feel alive when I am helping. If I feel like I am not helping or am hindering, I get UBER down on myself. This whole last week has been like that; I've been sick, I feel like I am not doing a good job at my new job... I am UBER down on myself. It is a mystery to me QUITE often that I have any friends at all... this is not a plea for compliments (ALTHOUGH - there is a LARGE number of people out there who check my blog and NEVER post comments. If this is you - I seriously am curious about who you are; for ex: who on earth checks my blog from Waldheim? ORRRRR; from the states??? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!!!?????)... this is simply a statement.
Ah Lordy - that you would continue to break my heart for those that hurt, but help me to stop pushing those away who would love me as I am!!! Yikes, what a nuts-zo prayer. People; continue to love; continue to be non-judgemental; continue to love Jesus and forget all that barriers and walls that would divide us as people.
As Romeo Dallaire said last night; and the two points of his that I will take with me for the rest of my life; all humans are equally human... secondly, inaction is action. Think on it... be blessed! |
posted by Erica @ 7:55 p.m.  |
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| 1 Comments: |
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oh how I wish to have a heart as BIG, as WIDE-OPEN, as LOVING, as PASSIONATE, as HURTING, as CAPABLE as yours.
you are such an example to all of us...even through YOUR struggles.
I just love ya. Hugs.
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Name: Erica
Home: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
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The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
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oh how I wish to have a heart as BIG, as WIDE-OPEN, as LOVING, as PASSIONATE, as HURTING, as CAPABLE as yours.
you are such an example to all of us...even through YOUR struggles.
I just love ya. Hugs.