| Thursday, September 28, 2006 |
| Tonight I want to scream. |
Tonight I want to scream the words that I could barely choke out while sitting on Joan's couch a few years back. I remember the setting perfectly; sitting on the deep couch cushions that I had sat on so many times before; looking at the same colourful canvas on the opposite wall; with my feet up on the wood table in the center, staring at the assortment of candles and pebble thingies and vases that were always there: I want more. I want more of Jesus, I want more of life, I want more of me, I want to help other people...
The list could go on and on. I want to scream for freedom: freedom from oppression for all of the oppressed; freedom for the people who are much like me and feel trapped, alone, stuck inside our bodies, unable to love and be loved... GUH!@!##U@@(I@)O@(#@(#(#(. I want to scream for freedom from the judgements of others; ohhhhhh that we could seeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Man alive - think of the change we could create in this world if we stopped judging one another and just allowed each other to live! The unity that could exist in Creation if we got over ourselves!!!
Tonight I went and spoke on behalf of my new job - and afterwards they gave everyone time to sit around and socialize and stuff. I sat with this woman who literally did not speak any English. As I watched the tears gather in her eyes, as I watched her lips twitch out of longing to speak and as I grasped at her hand while I was speaking excitedly my wish/prayer/thought for that woman was that I could help ease her pain/loneliness/angst.
Realization numero uno: I am a helper... I desire to help people all the time - I feel alive when I am helping. If I feel like I am not helping or am hindering, I get UBER down on myself. This whole last week has been like that; I've been sick, I feel like I am not doing a good job at my new job... I am UBER down on myself. It is a mystery to me QUITE often that I have any friends at all... this is not a plea for compliments (ALTHOUGH - there is a LARGE number of people out there who check my blog and NEVER post comments. If this is you - I seriously am curious about who you are; for ex: who on earth checks my blog from Waldheim? ORRRRR; from the states??? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!!!?????)... this is simply a statement.
Ah Lordy - that you would continue to break my heart for those that hurt, but help me to stop pushing those away who would love me as I am!!! Yikes, what a nuts-zo prayer. People; continue to love; continue to be non-judgemental; continue to love Jesus and forget all that barriers and walls that would divide us as people.
As Romeo Dallaire said last night; and the two points of his that I will take with me for the rest of my life; all humans are equally human... secondly, inaction is action. Think on it... be blessed! |
posted by Erica @ 7:55 p.m.  |
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| Tuesday, September 19, 2006 |
| Oh Thursday I Shall! |
Hello all. Sop; seriously; the mood swing-age this week has been ridiculous. I know that what I have come to conclude might sound kinda simple... but stick with me.
The rules that Erica NEEDS to abide by in order to stay sane:
#1: Take time to be quiet... and keep the house a sanctuary (just every once in a while, I promise Dana...). Don't be nuts for a few hours each day...
#2: Do the things that remind you of Christ's character...
#3: Don't overdo it... whether that be in being busy or in hanging out with people too much or...
#4: Be honest.
#5: Calm down before doing/saying rash statements.
Yep; I think that's it. Seriously; let's talk about Rule #2. Today was Tea Time at Appleby time... a conversation circle for teh people that live here that we run out of kid's club. Today wasn't going so hot, so I went out to invite people to come. I stopped by our friend Martha's house - her kids are some of our favourites... and she and I visited for about 20 minutes. Those 20 minutes reminded me so intensely much what the character of Christ really is then anything else I've done in these last weeks... Watching Martha play with her son, Tiok, was nothing short of stunning. STUNNING. Martha's joy at being visited and at playing with her son were beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. I am astounded at what being with these people I love does in my heart. It gives me joy, it brings me peace and it makes me realize why I am here on this earth. Truly, I get so much out of living here in Appleby Drive. I wish every day, all day I could just visit these people that I love and help them adjust and work within this life, this foreign society. Shoot dawg.
And so, on Thursday I shall... go and take photos of my beloved Saskatoon with a friend. Why? Because it brings me peace, it gives me joy... in my busyness of late I have forgotten to take the time to do those things; to simply be in moments... I hate how I get to this place where I expect SOOOOOO much out of life and the people around me that I turn miserable. It's retarded. Oh that I could just get past the things that hold me back... I guess my rules should help me out a little; just gotta keep the focus people. Keep the focus!
Amigos en Colombia; les quiero mucho y pienso en ustedes cada dia... a mi familia; Los Reyes alla - no puedo decir tanto que les quiero... gracias por la experiencia tenia con ustedes... gracias que por las meses que estuve en Colombia ustedes fueron mi familia realmente... y gracias porque siento que hasta hoy mismo, todavia estan mi familia! |
| posted by Erica @ 5:58 p.m. |
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| Sunday, September 10, 2006 |
| Life - AKA Post #92 |
Here I sit on my couch in the dark of the living room. It's approximately 12:20... and I have to be up for work at 7 in the morning so I can be there for 8 so I can leave by 3... and even then, that's only 6.5 hours. Oh dear me. Why am I sitting on this couch brooding you might ask? I really don't know; and that's the thing of it all. I feel as though in this last week a growing, gnawing, fermenting frustration has been rising up within me... and life is GREAT essentially; so what the heck is going ON!?(#$
As I sat on a rock by the river tonight I pondered several things:
a) is my butt getting dirty from this dusty rock?
b) will people notice my dusty butt if I gas up the Jeep after leaving this dusty rock?
c) what is my freaking problem?
d) what will happen to my gum that just fell out of my mouth and into this gorgeous river...!?
e) that person flying the kite over there reminds me of Colombia; August is the month of kites...
f) man I wish {insert special friend name here] were here, but the silence and smells of nature are kind of nicer because I'm alone
g) man, I feel so alone
h) I think I need to move back to Edmonton to fix the growing hole that exists between me and the fam
i) ugh, I'm so tired of putting effort into point h.
j) what effort? you are a lazy slug and do nothing to improve the situation
k) I never want to leave this rock... even though it might be dirtying my bottom
l) am I going to be able to climb back up the sand embankment that I slid down to get here?
m) freak I hope so because that would be embarassing if not
n) if I can't get back up, I have no food.
o) the cell phone is in your left pocket; I'm sure BP's delivers...
p) hmmmm....
q) I wish I had a camera
r) what is up with these sick tiny little mosquito like things??
s) why do I feel so alone?
t) why have I been so grumpy lately?
u) why am I so irritated all the time?
v) what is up with me not absolutely adoring my job that I wanted soooo very badly?
w) I just need to get over it!
x) but what the heck is "it" anyway?????
y) is this menopause?
z) man I wish I could go swimming...
So there you have it. Seriously, these were my thoughts as I sat by the river. There were moments of tears in there; moments of silence just waiting to hear the answers to my questions. The inner turmoil of Erica Scammell; as expressed alphabetically... gotta love my brain!
On a chipper note: saw Matt Costa last night at Louis' - man is he good. I've always enjoyed him (except for the month that Dana played and replayed and replayed his CD constantly... there was a bit of a lull in the enjoyment factor; I must admit). The thing I liked about him was that it wasn't about the loudness, it wasn't about the hype... I felt he was just doing his thing. His way; nicely. Great show, I thoroughly enjoyed him...
On another chipper note; can we talk about how much I love car washes? Indeed; I may get the Jeep washed tomorrow; something about the tri-colour foam is just so mezmorizing... and I think I've detected a mild scent to it as well. Indeed - that may be a treat for Erica tomorrow evening. Sigh... what a day... what a day! |
| posted by Erica @ 11:25 p.m. |
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Name: Erica
Home: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
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The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
Mother Teresa |
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