| Wednesday, May 18, 2005 |
| Prideful Independence! |
Today I went to my Spanish lesson as per usual this morning - sola. Sin Paula. ALL on my ownnnn - not that I haven't been taking buses alone, because as previous posts have said, I obviously have been... but today was different because I had to take TWO buses to get there - it involves a transfer... oooo. May I just say that it pumps me up for life - filling me with this beautiful "Ahhhh, I'm not completely dependant for everything in my life" kinda feeling. Besides which, today (earlier) was BEAUTIFUL - blue skies, warm, etc... so that added to my "on top of the world of prideful indepenence" feeling. Good times.
This is really a good feeling to have cuz these last couple days have been kinda bleh in the whole being content where I am department. I had a really good talk with Bonnie Lo (elementary principal) at ECA the other day. Seriously, I praise God because of the encouragement she has been to me in my time here. But back to the point, we were talking about how somedays there is the desire to just give up, pack your bags and go to where life is easy and everyday isn't this struggle to be faithful to the calling God has placed on you. In all honesty, somedays I get this bitter attitude in my heart about being here - it is hard to focus on the superior picture of God and His workings when it is miserable weather - rainy and cloudy every day, you have a new nephew you won't see until he is 6 months old, you miss your family and friends, your miss your language, you miss the feeling of belonging, you miss that "certain someone"... you miss being able to walk or drive to wherever you want to and not have to worry about safety or getting lost or answer to people for every second of the day... Get the grumpy and em-bittered drift?
However, as Bonnie and I talked we both came to recognize and shared with each other that no way would we actually abandon the path God has us on (or we hope we wouldn't). I have known since I've been a Christian that I don't want to go about my faith half-heartedly, I know that given the chance I could live the complacent life, but deep down somewhere something inside won't let me enjoy it - even the thought sours when I think of it.
Please don't read this and think I am this walking bittered woman or anything - I don't grumble to myself (that often), or lash out (that often) or throw rocks at the millions and millions of dogs that annoy me everyday (that often) =) It is quite the opposite, I do enjoy my experiences and especially the friends I am coming to have here - just every once in awhile, in the times I have to think, I start wishing it didn't have to be this effort to be faithful. Please pray that I would be stable in peace... I don't enjoy the "roller-coaster" of emotions; being on top of the world one moment and doubting the next. I know God has led me here, I desire to serve Him... so I'm gonna pray in faith for His goodness to be revealed.
Galatians 2:20 - "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." |
posted by Erica @ 10:30 a.m.  |
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| 2 Comments: |
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Scams, I totally understand what you are talking about. Hearing you share your doubts/questions about life and the things you miss makes me feel like I am looking into a mirror that reflects my own heart. Many of the things you are struggling with are things that I already struggle with (re: leaving home and going to another culture, missing family etc.). I am in that place between faith and doubt more often than I wish I were. But I do believe that in that God is working. Life is a journey in which we seek to become more like Jesus. And inch by inch, we are becoming more like the One we serve (hopefully...by the grace of God!). I know it's not always easy, and having faith that God is working can be tough. But I encourage you to keep trusting and keep perservering! I am praying for you. And remember--the journey isn't usually easy, but it's always worth it....enjoy the ride! Love and prayers, Marla
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During my time in Ecuador there came a time when I felt pretty confident with my bus navigating skills, much like yourself. It was because of this new found confidence that me and the other guy from my team would go "get lost". Basically we would take random busses into parts of the city that we had never been to before, and jus go exploring. We got ourselves into a few tight spots a couple of times but most of the time it was a blast. It became one of my favourite things to do on a day off.
-berto
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Name: Erica
Home: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
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Scams, I totally understand what you are talking about. Hearing you share your doubts/questions about life and the things you miss makes me feel like I am looking into a mirror that reflects my own heart. Many of the things you are struggling with are things that I already struggle with (re: leaving home and going to another culture, missing family etc.). I am in that place between faith and doubt more often than I wish I were. But I do believe that in that God is working. Life is a journey in which we seek to become more like Jesus. And inch by inch, we are becoming more like the One we serve (hopefully...by the grace of God!). I know it's not always easy, and having faith that God is working can be tough. But I encourage you to keep trusting and keep perservering! I am praying for you. And remember--the journey isn't usually easy, but it's always worth it....enjoy the ride! Love and prayers, Marla