| Saturday, May 27, 2006 |
| Some changes have occurred. |
| Yet I think they are good ones. I am trying to get a new look to this here blog of mine. I'm changing these days; new thoughts are replacing old ways of thinking and feeling. I feel so full of emotions, thoughts and sometimes so full of emptiness in these days that the old look and feel of this blog needs to change. I am often proud that mine has been around for so long, and so I don't want to get a new one, and I still feel very much as if my life is just a continuation of something started long ago - obviously hey?! But still... so much is happening inside of me these days; I can't even express how full I feel. A friend and I were talking about cycles the other day; and how up and down we humans seem to be. I figure there are two ways I can look at that and life at present as I am stuck in the cycle of life... I can be discouraged by the fact that I am stuck in this sick-o cycle, or I can give up once more, recognizing that His grace has to be sufficient, because I have none to offer myself. There is room in my heart for God. There is room for Him to move in my life. There is room for Him to bring thoughts of refreshment, hope and love... speaking on that, to be random... I had this idea today on why exactly I love. If it's so hard for me (us?) to understand God's love for us personally, we should be that example for Him... be physical, tangible evidence of Him. I know this seems so basic and duh-like, but seriously today the thought about blew my head into little bits and pieces... and it was followed by this sadness that I just want someone to love love love me and show me that same love I want to show others. This isn't like some plea; "Love Me..." but it's a thought - "Love one another... this is how we know God's love, if we love one another..." MIND BLOWING people!!! Tonight at work that was all I wanted to do - love love love people and love them into wondering if I am cracked. I am cracked indeed - oh let the change come, but let it not always hurt so much! |
posted by Erica @ 11:16 p.m.  |
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| Friday, May 26, 2006 |
| And the winner is... |
Elizabeth Epp for providing the name; Anna Nalick for the song "Just Breathe." Seriously, you all need to hear it. (If you don't know what I'm talking about read a couple blogs ago). Anyway... on to my thoughts.
Tonight I was once again at the river and was just chatting it up with a friend, and I realized that I want an adventure - I want to live out a dream... maybe take a canoe trip sometime or go white water rafting... or I would LOVE to go to Disneyland sometime. I don't want to get lost in the mountain of debt I feel like I have (Booyeah 4th year of Bethany... grr....) and lose sight of the fact that there are opportunities to live and feel alive out there... yet at the same time I just feel so lost in the fact that this is life and that I need to give in to that knowledge; work, pay debt, work, pay debt. Guh. I hope there is more than that... or I hope I get outta this slump soon so that I can see there is more than that.
Once again it was gorgeous to be by the river; kind of a weird rain/drizzle thing happening, and dark, cloudy skies... lots of thoughts, lots of thoughts...! Have a good night, and remember: "Just Breathe..." |
| posted by Erica @ 10:28 p.m. |
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| Wednesday, May 24, 2006 |
| This time with Paula and Dana: A Photo Montage. |
My friend Paula (I lived with her family in Colombia) has been visiting S'toon over these last few days. I thought I should post some pictures we've taken while having a wee bit of some good times...
This one is Paula and I being all good lookin... but let's be honest; when it came down to it Dana, Paula and I really have had some funny funny moments: hence, the following: 
The 3 of us together... Only to be fair, this is me at my studliest! Dana bein a stud! Paula being crazzzzy... she's so scary.
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| posted by Erica @ 9:20 p.m. |
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| Tuesday, May 23, 2006 |
| Tonight I felt like the Sky |
| Yesterday night the sky was crazy; anyone in the area should know there was a rain/lightning thing going on, and as I drove home from another night at the Red Claw, I felt very expressed by what was happening in the clouds. Yesterday was a good day in general, worked at Stuperstore for 5 hours in the morning and had a lot of time to think/pray while I was there. Then I went to The Claw where a new bartender was being trained, so this is new bartender #2 - a good thing, now I can serve more... but I don't know, something there just set me off into one of my grumpy/annoyed moods and so I didn't really want to talk to anyone and just wanted to get outta there. Breaking an entire case of beer at the end of the night certainly didn't help my mood either, and so as I drove home, looking up at the sky as I so often do, I felt almost revealed by it. There were some very clear patches, a nice light blue with fluffy fluffy clouds and I felt like that part represents the part of me that often feels calm, or "Just Breathe"... but then there were really really dark parts, and I felt like that was the part of me that I saw last night, that would shut the world out to lick my wounds alone, the lightning felt like the flashes I get of goodness in the midst of the darkness; knowing God's goodness in different times, feeling a good feeling, recognizing where healing is taking place, being blessed by something Glenda says at work; that kind of thing. The wind was like how I feel I am constantly changing in these days; being blown and pushed to change and go deeper. I can't really express entirely how I felt - sometimes I am so moved by what I see in nature that I become completely overwhelmed by it. Sometimes what I see expresses so much better than words how I feel; like driving across the bridge and seeing the darkness reflected in the river, but all the lights from the city lighting the bridge up as well... something in that moves me deep inside - I wish I could explain what it is to recognize beautiful, but I can't - beautiful just is. |
| posted by Erica @ 8:25 a.m. |
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| Thursday, May 18, 2006 |
| Tonight. |
Tonight I went for a walk by the river here in Saskatoon. Today I had some really wonderful talks with a wonderful lady about appreciating life for now and for what it is worth because life is too short to not enjoy it. There is so much beauty in the world around us and I long to have the eyes to see it. This is slowly happening again; and I am so overjoyed when I have days where I feel alive or like I can truly breathe. There is this new song on all the time at the Red Claw that is pretty much my mantra (no I have not converted, just a good expressive word...) The main part of the song is this girl singing "Just Breathe" over and over again. Sometimes as I am in the midst of feeling like I am messing everything up the song will play or sometimes as I am living out my life I hear it in my mind: Just Breathe.
* OK, so I tried to find the song so I could link it to my blog, but I can't find it - Dana tells me to tell you all to "just turn your radio on." |
| posted by Erica @ 10:14 p.m. |
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| Monday, May 15, 2006 |
| My Name is Erica and I'll be Helping you out today! |
That is what I am supposed to say in Step 2 of the "Big Four" at the Red Claw... so today was day TWO of training for my serving career... what do I think? Well, I have a headache (big shocker there...) my feet are el-ranko, and I think my wrist might shrivel up and fall off my body - leaving me with a floating hand. Actually, maybe the hand will burn off too cuz I touched too many freaking hot plates today... who knows really. Anyway, the short end of it all is that I absolutely loved my day, felt a little craaaazzzyyy every once in a while, and tomorrow I am on my own. But all in all, it was basically awesome...
Seriously; the training at these places leaves you feeling like you've been shoved through a blender and spit out. Alas; if I come home crying tomorrow it won't be a shocker because I cry all the time; about anything. Cheque bounces; cry. Home alone on a Friday night; cry. Ice cream gives you brain freeze; cry. Just kidding about the third one. But here's the thing people. I am learning about honesty. People often tell me I am already rather honest, but I wonder if it's possible for me to become even more honest. (Of course it is!) I am learning about this is the following ways; the other day a server got mad at me while I was hostessing (hostessing is the bane of my existence: BANNNEEEEE). For doing nothing - NOTHING - other than telling/asking her to pick up (serve) a table. Like, she was really angry with me; swearing, avoiding eye contact type angry. I in turn usually apologize a million times and become meek and try to win them over to my side by doing things exactly as they want them done. However, the other day I reached the brink of my patience and responded back in a way that would blow the socks off of everybody I ever went to Bethany with; or perhaps even normal, nice people. And you know, she took it - she listened to my response, and then apologized and now kinda has this weird respect thing going on. Would I talk to someone in church like I spoke to her? Heck no, however in the situation and considering the person, I think it was appropriate. It was honest. It was what I felt. Today I was worried I was bunking things up; so I asked and got an honest response. Joanne (my trainer) threatened me with a sharp kick to the ankles if I called customers "guys" one more time. It was an honest response; what she felt.
Sometimes as I lie in bed crying or thinking or "praying" I wonder if God is annoyed at me, or if He wants me to just get over it or stop whining. But then I think; would He rather I put on a fake smile for the world or that I was myself best I know how to be right now? I figure the latter works with Him. I wish I could say I am in some "Holy Place" where I am docile and serene before Him, but I'm not and I'm learning that it is OK... and it is OK to be real with people too; friends and family alike who read this; consider this an invitation - let's put aside the falseness that so often covers our lives and let's be real with one another - talk about what upsets you; be honest when someone has hurt you, laugh when you feel it in your belly and love like today will be the last day you get to love that person.
Carpe Diem. Booyeah! |
| posted by Erica @ 1:53 p.m. |
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| Monday, May 08, 2006 |
| Confuddled Thoughts... |
I feel like a little girl using a word like "confuddled" - who says that? I don't know... I figure if my Grandma can still sign letters "huggles and kisses," I can use the word confuddled in explaining my current state of being.
As I've been living these last weeks out I often marvel at my state of up and down-ness... going from feeling love and brightness one moment to confounding pain/confusion/anger the next. I don't speak about one circumstance or relationship or situation, (so please if you are reading this: it's not you... it's me, hehe) but all of them in general. I have never really been at this place of feeling quite so not myself... Life is not bad people. I am surrounded by good things: Appleby Drive, work, friends who love me... all of these are wonderful!!! Yet when I receive emails or talk with people who or that truly inspire me, I am left so discontented with myself. When the questions are posed: "are you living incarnationally among the unreached?" or when I am challenged about turning from a life of complaint to one of honesty/lament before God I feel like I am not meeting the bar.
There are people at work that I am mean to. Whether that is visibly or in my head does not matter - it is there none the less. Why is forgiveness coming so hard for some of the people in my life? Why do I feel these days like life is not fair? These are the thoughts that are bouncing around in my mind, most of which I do not want to have bouncing. A few weeks ago someone listened to me asking all of these questions and responded; "... sounds like you've lost your anchor..." No duh! I KNOW... I also know that I am at the point where I am tired of fighting for that anchor, tired of fighting for joy, tired of fighting life.... and so I give up. I guess I give up to the grace that I seem to have forgotten about. And, I guess I give up to you all - this is me... I mess up, a lot, often, brutally - so I guess as pat as this often sounds to me: pray for me if you read this.
I miss being the passionate girl who loved Jesus and lived that out in a joyous life. Pray that I could sense a newness to this life I am living. I don't wish to go back and be what I was, but I long to go forward and allow God to do what He would. Holy Spirit needs to come into my life anew... this is me, me truly - I can't be anything but that, even if it's hard for those around me to see... awhile ago, I asked that God would show me humility in life - and I guess He does answer prayers - I just need to stop whining about how He chooses to bring His answers about! From the bottom of my heart I love and appreciate all who read this blog, if I, in my pain or out of it, have hurt you along the way - I am sorry, there is no excuse, but now I guess it's my turn to ask the favour: pray. |
| posted by Erica @ 1:59 p.m. |
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| Tuesday, May 02, 2006 |
| The real contact info! |
Okay; so phone number: 249-0718
And the real addy: #307 - 710 Appleby Drive... whoops!
Anyway, no time left on the puter... call, drop by for a visit - we're there for your visits and calls =) |
| posted by Erica @ 12:31 p.m. |
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| About Me |
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Name: Erica
Home: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
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The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
Mother Teresa |
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