| Wednesday, June 28, 2006 |
| Picture This... |
Feet hanging in the water on either side of the canoe as you drift with the current back towards the dock after a hard paddle upstream; watching the pink-ish, purple-ish clouds drift by as the final shards of sunlight light up the river... having a muskrat swim by and nibble on some green foliage by the river bank... gazing up at the mansions on the bank and imagining a sunset barbeque followed by a nice paddle on the river...
Man oh man, this canoeing business is gonna be sweet people! After kids club SJ, Colin, Tyrell and myself headed for the boathouse and evening #2 of being a member of the Saskatoon Canoe Club equalled the goodness of night #1. The peace I feel in my heart when I am drifting on that river is unlike anything else. I had dinner with Karis tonight and we talked about doing the things that can give us joy - simple things - not denying the simplicity of wanting something. I think there is a line to be careful of where we begin saying "I want this..." "I want that..." in a selfish, unglorifying way... but then there is a place we can come to where we can say with honesty; "This is a desire of my heart and would give me a lot of joy..." wherein we can launch out, try new things, be bold and speak our hearts in seeking joy from life. Tonight was a piece of that... I am so glad we went to the river for that canoe ride... I am hoping we go again.
There is no denying that there is a sadness in my heart this year - it's a weird feeling that I haven't been able to shake for a while now. But at the same time that there is a that sadness there is this yearning for moments of peace like I had tonight. I know I can't always seek those moments in my external circumstances, and perhaps I could even say that is part of what got me into this mess in the first place, but I can say with complete confidence that I am learning grand lessons... lessons like it is OK to do the things that can bring joy - being around those I love, meeting new people, figuring out who I am, becoming my confident old self again, speaking truthfully about all things (please not I said lessons I am learning, no way am I trying to say I've achieved any of these things yet...)...
Taking it inward, upward - like I've said before, there continues to be room in my heart for God to move, for Him to tear down walls... when will this come? I don't know... slowly but surely perhaps is the answer. Perhaps He is doing this in my river moments, in the quiet nights when I lay awake unable to sleep or when I'm holding some precious, beautiful child in my arms.
Tonight I had a water fight with those beautiful kids and man - the ability to inspire laughter and joy in their squeals and screeches... 11:26 pm and I must bake my raspberry/apple crisp while it is cool enough in the apartment not to suffocate. Anyone up for a paddle up the river? Call me! |
posted by Erica @ 10:22 p.m.  |
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| Tuesday, June 27, 2006 |
| Adventures in being a Cell Phone Owner! |
Dana and I have officially launched out into the world of being cell phone owners. Let me tell you people; we are stoked. There's nothing like chillaxin on the couch and trying to figure out how to upload a picture of whoever it is that is calling me onto their name... so much fun! If you call me, not only do I see your name/number, but also your picture! I love my phone! I decided to share the excitment of our phone buying process by posting this picture for you all: just click the question mark:
Hmmm... on to other news of today! Tonight me, Sarah Jane, Amy and Shannon went canoeing. Yes, it is true... I am officially a member of the Saskatoon Canoeing Club where I may go canoeing at any given time that I like. I am extremely pumped about this because I love canoeing... since my days with dear Caitlin FRY-ZEN, teaching canoeing to the children at Redberry for 6 weeks in the summer of '01 I have missed a good paddle out on the water. Oh FRY-ZEN... if you ever read this, and ever come to visit we are so going canoeing! Portage anyone? I'm also extremely interested in some of the organized trips that you can go on... I'm thinking the PA trip in October is a most likely event I'll get in on... they have a La Ronge trip in August that I would kill to go on, but I'm sure the price in the end would just be tooooo much! Ah money - how I despise thee!
Next little tidbit of news; I have accepted a position at Bethany starting this next month. Yes, yes... the lifer returns for one more go-around. However - this time I will be in the position of Youth Advance Co-Chair with Lisa Braun. I'm pretty pumped about this... nervous already as the size of the task ahead seems a bit much, but the excitement beats any nerves I might feel.
Alas, a day that started out kinda gross and moody has turned out to be quite swell in the end... mellowin out on the river with my friends was just what I needed and I rest tonight with the knowledge that sometimes it works out in the end. If anyone in the area is up for a trip up the river, you just let me know, cuz I can take friends along sometimes... seriously sweet deal friends! |
| posted by Erica @ 10:06 p.m. |
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| Saturday, June 24, 2006 |
| Tired and Sun burned... |
So - all I can hear right now is the sound of the kids outside yelling over and over and over again: "DANA!" "DANA!" "DANA!" I am in the apartment because I get to go to work later... booyeah.
That is as far as I made blogging the other day. Dana and I had the garage sale to raise some money for Kid's Club with all the stuff that people just leave behind (quite sad actually) and managed to rustle up a fair bit of dinero; but let me tell you. After a hot hot hot day in the sun with a bunch of screaming, not wanting to listen children running all over the place we were fried. However, I feel rested and ready to take on the world again - with my extremely burned shoulders that hurt whenever I touch anything and all. Stupid sun - you are my enemy.
On to other life events, I am feeling good today. Dana and I are going to get cell phones this afternoon which I feel should boost my popularity and therefore number of friends tenfold. Afterwards I will go back to work to finish off my split shift for this day. Red Claw goodness - yep, work has been really quite good these days... it helps that the tips this weekend were lucious, but in general I am feeling more like I can handle the serving aspect of it. Initially, I totally thought I couldn't do it. There are still days when I come home exhausted and feeling like a big boob because of stupid mistakes (here's hoping I don't spill an ENTIRE pop on someone again - oh yes, yes I've done it once people!)... yet those days are getting further and further apart. Tip well my friends; tip well - you have no idea how much work your servers really do!
I think I am going canoeing tomorrow. As I've written before I want adventure in my life, nad so whhen SJ called and suggested we actually go canoeing like we've talked about so often, and that I had the night off, I decided to heck with sitting on my couch - I'm going canoeing! Rather pumped.
Sigh. I have nothing deep or thoughtful to say right now, it's all in there, and I've been thinking about how to express the depth of what I have been thinking lately, but I just don't have the words. Certainly I can say that in a nutshell I feel very walled in right now. How to go on to further express that will have to wait. But maybe next time folks! Peace and blessings on you all... here's a funny picture I thought I might share. Ugh, nevermind... Dana - we need a digital camera eh? |
| posted by Erica @ 2:17 p.m. |
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| Friday, June 23, 2006 |
| Thoughts of Late! |
I can't believe it's been almost a week since I last posted - time is flying by! I've had several thoughts of late... some deeper than others, however thoughts none the less.
Thought #1: Life is so so very uncertain. I've been discussing some possible future options for employment and the question came up of how long I would be willing to commit. I couldn't answer because I honestly do not know. How weird and uncomfortable a thought : I have NO idea what I am doing with my life. For now, I know I am here, and I am so OK with that because I absolutely adore this life here at Appleby Drive. How I wish daily living could be my full time job... oh the beauty and work that exist here!
Thought #2: Perhaps this isn't a thought to put here... BUT. In being involved within a secular environment with my Red Claw work, I've been pondering how weird it would be to explain to someone that I couldn't see them on a "deeper" level because of my faith. How would that go over? What would they think? How can I help those around me to understand? I went to a house party last weekend, and one of the first things (no no, the very first thing) someone said to me after I walked in was; "Erica, what are you doing here - I thought you were all religious?"
Thought #3: Why do I not have more friends? And how do I go about making them? I am gradually getting to know Red Claw people, but the social aspect there usually involves parties or partying, which I am fine with attending, but which gets difficult when I never get loaded with them all... If I want a larger Christian group of friends, how do I find them? I'm not cool with the whole "singles" nights that go under the name "College and Career" at most of our fine established congregations, so what do I do? Get over it? I don't know people... I just don't know.
Thought #4: I'm hungry, and am too lazy to cook. I'm discovering how very muchly I love love cooking... the other night I made 'Bruschetta and Cheeze stuffed Chicken Breasts' with Jasmine Rice. Let me tell you people; it was dang good. I've been thinking about going to Kelsey to further study cooking... should I or shouldn't I? I don't know... I'm sending in the application though, and because they're accepting students for 2007, I don't have to worry about it for another year.
Thought #5: This is ridiculously long-winded... and so, I shall go now. Thanks for coming out and listening! COMMENT - even just to say 'Hi, I check your blog...' |
| posted by Erica @ 8:27 p.m. |
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| Sunday, June 18, 2006 |
| Photos Depicting the Last Blog... #1! |
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| posted by Erica @ 10:44 p.m. |
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| Saturday, June 17, 2006 |
| Gertrude! |
| I'm ready for it to be sunny out; but hopefully the sun will come out on Tuesday and Wednesday when I don't have to be inside a stuffy old boat of a restaurant... I want to BREATHE fresh air and feel the sun on the ole face-ski... Ah people, these last couple days have been really good. The other night Dana, Carly and I went to this fair/carnival thing that is in the Wal-Mart (Confed) parking lot and just had the funnest, funnest time - Dana took a bunch of pics and I took my turn with the camera while Dana and Carly attempted the weird bike challenge thing. That is one trippy bike. I will post some pics when we get them on a CD. Then we came back to the apartments and I got a turn taking some pics of the kids with Dana's sweet-ace camera. I wish I knew how to take better pictures, but I gotta say it was so much fun trying to capture the joy/excitement/craziness of these kids on film... to have a fast finger to capture their laughter, or to know when the solemn, serious pout is about to come - ah, the joys of living here. How I relish in little *Gertrude* sitting on my lap, spitting all over me with her p's, t's, s's... seriously, the girl has a drool problem. I always joke with her about it and she does this very serious, hard effort sucking in of all the spit in her mouth thing - it is so cute. I never thought I'd be OK with having some kids spittle all over me, but you know I just love it. As we settle in more and more it is so cool to get to know the people around us - sometimes when we talk abotu this place to others, they are surprised that we know the woman in 102, or the family down the hall or the Sudanese family downstairs, but seriously, here it just seems so natural... get to know the people around you! The blessings and joy that come from a friendly conversation or a hello in the hallways is awesome. In terms of my last writing, I continue on my quest for me - and I think a piece of that puzzle lies here in Appleby Drive; loving the people around me, oh the adventures! |
| posted by Erica @ 12:51 p.m. |
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| Tuesday, June 13, 2006 |
| Who Am I? |
I Am...
... a girl who never really had a childhood...
... who has never really felt loved by anyone,
... who longs to love others so much it hurts;
... a bright personality...
... a quiet soul (believe it or not)!
... someone who just wants to be.
How do I begin describing how I feel inside today? These last couple days have been about respecting myself and about listening to my own words - letting go of some things in my life that were slowing my steps a little. Who Am I? I don't fully know the answer to this question... I know that I am someone that everyone thinks is happy and carefree; someone who loves to laugh and enjoys people. A woman of joy, strength, determination... blah blah blah... what I wish people could see in me is that there is a depth beyond a good laugh or beyond making other people happy. Somedays I want to weep in thinking about my life (don't get me wrong, somedays I would love to rejoice over all of the blessings...) but do not steal away my right to grieve those things which haven't been all that great.
More than anything in all of this world something I LONG for in my innermost reaches is for a family of my own... I have this ache inside of me recently for a daughter of my own to love love love like there is no tomorrow; I have this ache to have a partner by my side supporting me in my joyous, light, bubbly moments and also in my sorrow-filled, heart-ache moments... I am a woman, and the two go hand in hand. In terms of living life I truly do desire to love others, but somedays I just wish love didn't bite back when I want it to just go with the flow.
A friend the other day gave me this chapter to read that is "basically awesome," and which describes where I'm coming from to perfection (it's a tid bit long, but stick with me...):
"Many of you have looked for Godot, or some facsimile, elsewhere in this particular place. you have looked for it in the grade on the last page of that art history paper, in the grad school acceptance letters, in the laughter of your friends, in the smile of some nice man or woman. What passed for your life was often a search for outside validation. Law school or a museum internshipw oudl save you, or love or romance or sex [shocking I know], or a poem published in a magazine, a painting hung at a show.
"But one edition of a magazine has a way of giving way to another, and course grades come and go, and occasionally, very occasionally, a lover who shoudl know better will nonetheless dump you. The prizes arrive, but soon they are dusty, and then waht do you have?
"You better have you. The real you, the authentic examined self, not some patchwork collection of affections and expectations, mores and mannerisms... your life belongs in full to you and you alone. Do not cede it to anyone else, no matter how loving or well intentioned."
~ Anna Quindlen, "Oh Godot"
Now, I know as a Christian I know that my life in fact does not belong to "mi mismo" (myself, but in Spanish much more meaningful for some reason...) and that it does in fact belong to God... however, that said I am on a quest to figure out Who I exactly Am... and maybe I do already have an idea of who I am, but now I need to be comfortable with that - no more giving up pieces of me for other people; I long to be OK with the two sides of me - love me when I'm laughing, but don't forget to love me when the tears come... they're a big part of me too! |
| posted by Erica @ 11:42 p.m. |
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| Monday, June 05, 2006 |
| Serving and Emotions |
| So. These days at the Red Claw have been really interesting. Serving is not at all what I thought it would be... well, for the most part. I was so excited to just bless people and send them on their way thinking "man that was a nice server..." but in all reality, it is soooo much busier than I thought it would be. Sometimes when I have 4 tables all needing something at once I just want to give up and sit down and cry. Often I stop myself from doing this very thing, yet then there are the times that I am not able to not cry - especially when I've just had the rudest customer ever. This brings to light another thought... why on earth would you be rude to someone just because you can? I hope that to all who read this you think twice about how you treat the people serving you in restaurants, grocery stores, gas stations, etcetera... don't get me wrong. I like my job when it goes my way... the money is good, I like my co-workers, it's not bad. I just want to be better at what I do... sometimes I'll get lucky and someone will notice my dimple and it'll open a door to talk or I'll get a table full of drunk people and I can send the manager by to make sure they're getting home OK... when they tease me about ratting on them, I can be sincere in assuring them I just want them to be safe and get home OK. There are chances when I can stop being the server and be a real human to people - what I long for is the knowledge of how to integrate the two. As Dana and I have been discussing life, which for me often revolves around my work I have come to realize why I do the things I do and why I live the way I do. All in all it comes down to one thing - I love people. I love love love human beings. When they don't seem to love me in return (aka rude customers) sometimes I feel like a piece of me dies a little bit, and I just have to sit and lick the wound that causes before getting back into the rat race of love. Often I am just so full of emotions and thoughts about people and life with people that I feel overwhelmed by the entirety of it. Not sure these ramblings are making any sense: LOVE. Big word, often found in little actions. How can we proclaim Christ more through our day to day actions. I, for one, would like to stop swearing at traffic. There you have it - right out there, I swear in traffic; not exactly loving those around me... it's gotta stop. Secondly, not feeling angry with those customers who are rude to me... Thirdly; go downstairs and play with the children even when my feet are aching and all I desire is a Pepsi and a remote in my hand. Fourthly; I don't know, but I'll keep thinking! |
| posted by Erica @ 9:03 p.m. |
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| Friday, June 02, 2006 |
| For now. |
| This will do. I am tired of trying to fix this silly blog. I am tired of looking for templates, of trying to create templates of thinking about templates. I realize it is still ugly, but I'll work on it later. Yoghurt and granola are calling my name for breakfast. Enjoy your day! |
| posted by Erica @ 8:51 a.m. |
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| Thursday, June 01, 2006 |
| I am Frustrated. |
| Can you all tell me if this blog still looks nice to you all out there? It should have a blue-ish background with some pink designs and stuff? From my home computer all I see is gross blank garbage that looks garbage like. Also. I am watching Much Music right now and what on earth is Nelly Furtado doing?? She used to be all original and now her latest video totally looks like every other female artist's out there... trying to be all hip-hop/dance-like/hoochie whatever. A shame in my opinion. Anyway... some kid today stole my tip off a table... isn't that hilarious?? Who does that. It was 5 bucks, so whatever, but after a couple of mellow-er days it wasn't what I needed today - tips are to a server like crossing the finish line of a mother huge race is to a runner... the accomplishment, the finale of seeing a table out the door... no more refills, no more biscuits, no more being treated like poop... and then some kid steals my finale. Alright buddy - you are welcome to it. Anyhoo. We went grocery shopping tonight and now I feel completely a lot more relaxed than when I arrived at home. I don't have a single day off for the rest of this week and next. 2 straight weeks of having to work at one job or the other every single day. That also is not encouraging. Have I mentioned I've decided I am going to Disneyland? A few posts ago I mentioned discouragement about money/work/life minus adventure? Well... anyway, I've decided that regardless of debt/money worries I am going to go to Disneyland. I am saving my tips and they are going towards my first real vacation. Disneyland and San Diego for a week. I'm not sure I'll be able to resist seeing some manatees while I am down there though; and at the mention of manatees, I would suggest everyone visit the following Manatee http://savethemanatee.orgwebsite! |
| posted by Erica @ 10:29 p.m. |
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| About Me |
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Name: Erica
Home: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
About Me:
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The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
Mother Teresa |
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